2005 Royal Rumble

Well, they'll have to do a hell of a job here to top last year. You can't ask for a better #1 and #2, as it's Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit respectively, the two men who held the WWE and World Championships at the end of Wrestlemania last year. Eddie is insanely over with the crowd. Crowd is still into Benoit, too, but is clearly supporting Eddie between the two. Eddie and Benoit circle before they lock up. Neither man can gain the advantage but Benoit drops Eddie with an arm drag. Eddie hits a head lock and we just get some good old fashioned technical wrestling as neither man conquers the other. #3 is Daniel Puder, the winner of the one million dollar Tough Enough competition. Eddie and Benoit stop wrestling as Puder grabs the mic and claims he's going to be the first Tough Enough winner to win the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately for him, he's got the eyes of Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero locked on him. Benoit and Eddie take turns just chopping the SHIT out of Puder. In fact, they get the crowd into it. Double suplex and Puder is fucked ten ways from Sunday. Benoit hits a belly-to-back and Eddie does the Three Amigos, as #4 is rookie hater extrordinare, Hardcore Holly. Hardcore tells Eddie and Benoit that he wants Puder. Hardcore lights Puder up with a chop, and and another one, and a THIRD one. Eddie calls for Benoit to chop him next and turns it into a competition between Hardcore and Benoit. Benoit and Hardcore call for Eddie to chop him and the crowd pops for that. Big chop from Eddie as Puder's chest is beat red. Hardcore kicks Puder in the nuts and gets the crowd into it for the first time in his life. Alabama Slam follows.

#4 is the Hurricane as Hardcore easily tosses Puder. From there, Benoit and Eddie toss Hardcore as he has served his purpose. Hurricane has shitty luck in Rubles as HE gets chopped by Benoit. Double elbow but Eddie turns on Benoit and tries to toss him! Benoit hangs on and chops Eddie. Hurricane gets the ring advantage before Benoit gets ack up and chops the shit out of him. Benoit whips Hurricane into Eddie and Eddie backdrops him out. And just on that, another entrant is coming out. #5 is Kenzo Suzuki, as I'm perfectly okay with Eddie and Benoit beating the shit out of every entrant together until they win the Rumble. I remember nothing about this guy but Eddie grabs his arms and Benoit chops the shit out of HIM. Eddie takes down Kenzo and Benoit tries to eliminate Eddie! Eddie hangs on though as we get Edge at #6. Edge does nuts on everyone here, as this is the very early stages of his heel turn. Edge tries to eliminate Eddie but the crowd keeps chanting "Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!" #7 is Rey Mysterio to a great face pop. Mysterio hits a bulldog on Edge, dropkick on Benoit, and head scissors Kenzo Suzuki to an elimination! Eddie kills his momentum with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Benoit gets one, too. The entrants seem to be damn fast as #8 is the Intercontinental Champion, Shelton Benjamin. Benjamin hits a reverse elbow on Edge to start, and back body drops Eddie. A lot of fast paced action.

Benoit nearly suplexes Eddie out but Rey makes the save as Booker T is #10. The General Manager of Raw, Eric Bischoff comes out to cheer on his superstars. Benoit has Eddie locked in a Sharpshooter, but Rey springboards from the apron and dropkicks Benoit off. #11 is Chris Jericho~! Jericho attacks everyone in sight and elbows Benjamin for taking his IC title. Big "Y2J" chant. #12 is Luther Reigns as the ring gets crowded. Smackdown! General Manager Theodore Long has made his way to the ring. Everyone stops fight as they realize we have 4 Raw guys vs. 4 Smackdown! guys. The ring parts down the middle as the crowd is totally into this. Everyone attacks and the crowd erupts. Awesome moment. It's all Raw vs. Smackdown! here. #13 is Muhammed Hussein, as the ring stops fighting each other. The entire ring waits for Muhammad, and beat the hell out of him in unison. The crowd loves that too. The ring sets him up for Mysterio's 619. They hoist him up and toss him out of the ring! #14 is Orlando Jordan. Focus on Benjamin trying to eliminate Jericho but as history shows, Jericho is fantastic at not getting eliminated. Our halfway marker is Scotty 2 Hotty, who has shitty luck in Rumbles. And the trend continues as Muhammad Hussein attacks from behind. Camel clutch is applied as Scotty 2 Hotty fails to enter the ring in ANOTHER Royal Rumble. Benjamin with a big Stinger Splash on Edge and tries the elimination but Edge hangs on. I'm amazed that when a wrestler hangs on, most wrestlers seem to walk away instead of persisting the elimination.

#16 is Charlie Haas, who eats a side kick from Booker. So goes OJ. So does Luther, who then gets clotheslined out by Booker T. And Booker T tosses Orlando Jordan, and HE'S FEELING IT! SPINAROONI! Side kick to Rey but Eddie holds the rope down and Booker's momentum sends him over the top. Booker and Eddie were also a tag team before this Rumble and Booker is shocked, but it IS every man for himself. Benjamin and Haas reunite (being on separate brands) and attack Eddie. #17 is Rene Dupree, with Fifi. Tazz asks if French Poodles are allowed in the Rumble, which makes me lol on the inside. Dupree goes straight for Mysterio. He got a decent singles push in '04 but it went nowhere. Haas and Benjamin hit their old signature tandem move on Dupree and Benjamin eats a spinning heel kick from Rey after a high five. Stinger Splash to Edge, but Edge moves so Benjamin jumps TO the top rope, so Edge shoves him off and to the outside. #18 is Simon Dean. Rey hits a hurricanrana on Eddie as Simon warms up on the outside. Eddie ducks the 619 and goes for a powerbomb on Rey, but Rey hits a facebuster, and Edge tosses Eddie! Crowd HATES HATES HATES that and Edge mocks Eddie's shimmy. Jericho dropkicks Edge from behind. Simon Dean is still warming up on the outside, but finally walks into the ring.

#19 is SHAWN MICHAELS~! He goes straight for Edge, who defeated Michaels earlier in the night. Shawn clotheslines Dean over the top and mocks his squats. Crowd is chanting "Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!" as he leaves. Man, Eddie was so fucking over, it was remarkable. Edge tries to corner Rey but Rey goes through the legs as Edge is frustrated he can't catch Rey. Shawn dumps Charlie Haas as Tazz begs JR to say, "Slobberknocker." #20 is KURT FUCKING ANGLE! He promised to win this Rumble for the troops (I think...was that this year?) and immediate drops Benoit with a German, overhead to Rey, German to Jericho, Angle Slam to Edge, Angle Slam to Dupree, and one for Shawn! Shawn escapes, tries Sweet chin Music, but Angle cathces it, Ankle Lock! Michaels tries to roll Angle out but Angle catches himself on the ropes, turns around into Sweet Chin Music, and Angle is OUT! What a sequence. #21 is...Jonathan Coachman, complete with, "I'm the Coach, That's Why!!!" t-shirt. It also says "Coach on his pants. "If you ever wonder who he is, just look at his ass, it says Coach all over it!" - JR. JR also informs us that he would not cross Benoit with a chainsaw. Well okay then. Coach has the Road Dogg death grip on the bottom rope but Benoit attacks. Rey tries to headscissor Jericho out but Jericho stays on the apron. #22 is Mark Jindrak. Reigns and Jindrak were effectively Team Angle 2.0. Angle runs back in the ring and dumps Shawn. Angle NAILS Shawn with the steel steps. Shawn is busted open and Angle beats the hell out of him, complete with Ankle Lock. This led to one of the best Wrestlemania matches of all time.

#23 is Viscera. Coach has lost his shirt at some point. Nothing much happens as #24 is Paul London. London charges into the ring and nearly slides right back out. Dupree kills his head of steam and we get the FRENCH TICKLER~! Jericho has had enough of that and tosses Dupree before mocking the French Tickler. "Jericho can't dance or sing!" - Tazz. Jindrak tries to dump London but Rey and Jericho walk up from behind and try to eliminate Jindrak to no avail. #25 is the United States Champion, John Cena, to a HUGE HUGE HUGE pop. There is no booing Cena at this point; Cena is insanely over. He runs into Viscera and BACKDROPS HIM OUT! Rey gives Coach a Bronco Buster in the corner. #26 is Snitsky, complete with "It wasn't my fault!" theme music. Pretty sure we're at one minute intervals right now. Snitsky drops London on the apron and tries to clothesline him. London ducks but Snitsky nails a clothesline from the other way, sending London FLIPPING off the apron, onto the floor. Cena and Snitsky stare down, and Cena lifts him for the FU. Snitsky escapes and hits a big boot. #27 is the Big Red Machine, Kane. The pyro goes off and Tazz responds with, "Why do we gotta sit over here?! This is nuts!" Snitsky goes right after Kane, but Kane runs him down with a clothesline. London gets a stretcher job out as Kane chokeslams Edge, Kane, Cena, Jericho, Mysterio (one handed), Jindrak...well he gets tossed instead. Coach attacks from behind but gets goozled, but Snitsky saves him inadvertently. Pump handle slam by Snitsky as London is wheeled out.

Snitsky is the only man standing as BATISTA comes out at #28. Batista is insanely over, despite still being a part of Evolution here. He clotheslines Snitsky right out and faces off against Kane. They trade blows as we get a "Batista! Batista!" chant. BATISTA BOMB TO KANE! Jericho tries to run into Batista but is caught, and press slammed to the outside. Batista tosses Edge but Edge hangs on. #29 is CHRISTIAN, led to the ring by Tyson Tomko. Christian goes right after Cena due to an unscheduled rap battle between the two earlier in the night. Cena hits an FU to Kane...RIGHT OUT OF THE RING! Mysterio and Cena are all excited with each other, and agree to team up. Our final entrant is THE NATURE BOY, RIC FLAIR! His first Rumble in 13 years. He's all buddy-buddy with Batista, being in Evolution with him. Flair throws Coach into a Batista spinebuster and Flair tosses Coach out before strutting. Flair tosses Christian into a spinebuster. Batista gorilla press slams Christian to the outside onto Tomko. Benoit just DESTROYS Flair with chops before Batista attacks. BIG spinebuster to Benoit. Flair tosses Benoit at a more-than-respectable 47 minutes and 26 seconds, and then FLAIR TRIES TO TOSS BATISTA! Batista goes nowhere and is just STARING A HOLE through Flair, but Edge and Rey dropkick Batista. Spear to Flair, and Edge tosses Flair! Benoit, in two Rumbles, stayed in over 100 minutes. Amazing conditioning there.

Final four: John Cena, Batista, Edge, and Rey Mysterio. Spear to Batista! Spear to Cena! Mysterio jumps over the Spear, drop toe hold onto the ropes, 619 to Edge! West Coast Pop, but Edge moves and tosses Rey! Rey hangs on but Edge SPEARS him off the apron! Edge attacks both Cena and Batista and charges at them, but they BOTH backdrop Edge out! The crowd is RED FUCKING HOT as Raw's Batista and Smackdown!'s John Cena face off. JR calls it a "dream match" you could only see at the Royal Rumble. Well we did see it at Wrestlemania, 5 years later. And it was still a great match. Cena tries to FU Batista out but Batista hangs on to the ropes. Batista fights his way free, BATISTA BOMB COMING UP! Cena pushes the momentum to the ropes and tries to grab on, but both men fall to the outside and actually look like they hit at the EXACT SAME TIME! Impressive. The RAW referees thinks Batista won and the Smackdown! referees thinks Cena won. I get what they're doing here and it's cute but really, it's ultimately pointless. Vince McMahon comes out and is PISSED. He RIPS his jacket off, DIVES into the ring, and fucking TEARS both his quadriceps muscles. I'm not sure if they tear when they hit the side of the ring, or when he tries to stand up in the ring, but it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Batista tosses Cena out for fun. Cena gets back in and tosses Batista out for fun. Well if only they did that a few minute ago! Vince orders the match to restart. So what the fuck is the point? I guess to put both men over. Batista tries a Batista Bomb but Cena fights out for an FU. Batista fights out, SPINEBUSTER! And he just TOSSES Cena out! Batista is going to Wrestlemania! But which Champion will he choose?!

Here's the thing. This is a criminally underrated Rumble. It is EXCELLENT. There's no running storyline like Benoit's or Flair's, and that hurts it a bit since Cena and Batista both came in so late, but it was still a hot match, with a completely overbooked finish. ****1/4