1991 Royal Rumble

I don't care how boring these are; I enjoy doing them and I need to find my ranting style.

This is the first Rumble where, for all intents and purposes, the winner gets to go to Wrestlemania to face the WWF Champion. Number 1 is one half of the WWF Tag Team Championships, Bret Hart. This would be the year he broke out into a singles career, though. Number 2 is Dino Bravo, led to the ring by the Mouth of the South, Jimmy Hart. Entrances are still every 2 minutes. The crowd is really into the Hitman. Bret knocks Dino almost over the top. What I don't like about the way people lean over the ropes, is that Bret could have EASILY just tipped Bravo over to eliminate him. Instead, he grabs around one leg and tries to push. It makes no sense. And of course, Bravo stays in and grapples with the Hitman for a bit, as Greg Valentine runs out. Greg Hammer attacks Bravo and Bravo looks at Valentine as if Greg just ran over his cat. Jimmy Hart is up on the apron to yell at Valentine, which allows Dino to capitalize, but not eliminate. Valentine reverses the momentum of Dino Bravo and sends him to the outside. Valentine also takes care of Jimmy Hart. Bret, the crafty veteran (except his awful elimination attempts) waits for Valentine to turn around so he can attack.

The greatest member of the Four Horsemen is ironically number four, as Paul Roma runs out to attack Bret. The heels are definitely going after the heels this year, as Valentine and Roma exchange blows. Just watching Bret and listening to the crowd reaction he gets, it must have been clear as ever that he would be a huge singles star. Everyone fools around until the Texas Tornado comes out to a good pop. The problem with this year, so far, is that nobody can gain a clear advantage. There's no memorable moments here, either. Someone comes out, the crowd likes it, but it goes nowhere. It's like they're all just waiting for something. "The Model" Rick Martel runs out looking more and more like a model every year. Goodness, his hair is really slicked back. I fear it's an illegal weapon. Rick Martel tries to do the world a favor and eliminate Paul Roma, but fails, so Bret beats the shit out of him as a consequence.

SABA SIMBA IS NEXT! Better knows as Tony Atlas. His gimmick baffles me. Texas Tornado does not learn as holding the leg PREVENTS the opponent from going over the top. We need someone to clean house...AND HERE COMES BUSHWHACKER BUTCH! I totally spelled that wrong every time last rant. He needs to avenge the way he was cheated last year. Martel, meanwhile, locks a leg scissors around Saba Simba's head and sends Atlas to the outside. Butch knocks Valentine's and Roma's head together, which Bret Hart did about 10 minutes earlier. Way to watch the go, Butch. Jake "The Snake" Roberts is out next and the crowd still loves him. Martel goes RIGHT after him as they exchange fists and fire. Roberts gets the upper-hand, and hits a nice gut buster. This, of course, leads to their Wrestlemania 7 encounter. Jake calls for teh DDT but Martel slides under the bottom rope, but Jake chases after him. Valentine cuts Jake off. Martel is still on the apron for some reason, as the ref counts him? Jake escapes Valentine and attacks. Martel hangs on for his life and re-enters the ring. Hercules has entered the Rumble. He goes right to helping his Power and Glory partner in Paul Roma. Jake and Martel scramble around a bit. Nothing of note happens.

Tito Santana is out next. Meanwhile, Paul Roma try a cross body at Jake, who ducks, and Roma goes sailing over the top rope. A repeat of Marty Jannetty and Ted DiBiase from last year, but a good spot nonetheless. The next man out, being accompanied by Brother Love, is the Undertaker, who debuted not more than 2 months prior to this at Survivor Series. He lifts Bret Hart up by the throat and dumps him to the outside. Truly living his gimmick, 'Taker looks frightening as hell (if a little young and chubby). He also no-sells the Tornado Punch. Jimmy Snuka is in next. Guys keep attacking 'Taker to try to find a way to take him down but nothing is working. Valentine and Tornado work over 'Taker and stagger him, but he butts their heads together, marking the third time that has happened this match. The British Bulldog is the next entrant. Valentine seems obsessed with trying to eliminate the Undertaker. Snuka looks cracked out. Snuka and 'Taker go at it, foreshadowing their Wrestlemania match.

Smash of Demolition is out next. He seems to make good progress in these Rumble matches. Not so far in this one as he gets his head clotheslined off by the British Bulldog. Martel hides on the apron, and pulls Jake the Snake out of the ring. Snuka does a double head-butt for Martel and Hercules, marking the fourth time we've seen that this match. Legion of Doom's Hawk makes his Royal Rumble debut. 'Taker, Smash, and Hercules kill his momentum. Shane Douglas is next?! I had no idea he was in this one. Undertaker eliminates the Texas Tornado as Hawk sends Jimmy Snuka out of the ring. Somewhere along the way, 'Taker has tossed out Bushwhacker Butch, as well. Shane Douglas looks so damn young here. 'Taker still looks demonic. Hawk clotheslines Hercules, who proceeds to fall forward. From a clothesline. Go figure.

Number 18 gets counted down, but nobody appears. Roddy Piper (on commentary) seems concerned. It was supposed to be Randy Savage, who no-showed the match after costing the Ultimate Warrior the WWF Championship. Piper says 18 is out of there as number 19 counts down, which is Animal, also of the Legion of Doom. He temporarily stops the Undertaker from attacking his tag team partner, but calmly walks the other way to attack others. The LOD finally focus their attaks on the Undertaker and manage to clothesline him out. But Martel sneaks from behind and eliminates Hawk. Tito tries to sneak behind Martel and eliminate his former tag team partner but fails. Piper tells the Undertaker to go get some sleep, which would make me lol if I wasn't tired. Martel seems to be getting the longevity award this year; we'll see if he can break DiBiase's 44+ minute reign. We're two-thirds of the way through the Royal Rumble as Demolition's latest member, Crush, comes out to help Smash. They double team the Bulldog and high five each other for funsies. Valentine helps Tito attempt to eliminate Martel, the elbows Tito in the head to stop him, and then tries to eliminate Martel himself. Okay then. Hercules reminds me of Eugene, if Eugene were ripped.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is your 21st entrant. He is the first Royal Rumble winner so he knows what he's doing. A lot of punching, kicking, and failed elimination attempts going on here. No longer Canadian, apparently, Earthquake is your next entrant, led to the ring by Jimmy Hart. He goes toe-to-toe with Animal as there are now 11 guys in the ring. Animal tries to clothesline Earthquake over the top, but Earthquake ducks and drops Animal over the top rope, to the outside. Mr. Perfect is your next entrant, who tosses his towel behind him, and Bobby Heenan brilliantly catches it. Perfect was scheduled to win it last year before Hogan pulled a political move and Perfect had to settle for runner up. Duggan charges at Perfect but Perfect ducks and catapults him over. I stand corrected; Valentine has been in there longer than Martel. Number 24 is the phenomenon that is Hulk Hogan. Crowd comes alive for him. He's met by clubbing blows from Smash but Hogan doesn't care. A boot later, and Smash is tossed over the top. Hogan tries to eliminate Earthquake but Mr. Perfect wants revenge from last year. Shane Douglas pulls him off but Earthquake takes advantage of Hulkamania. The British Bulldog saves Hogan, which drives me insane. Too many faces helping other wrestlers just because they're face, or vice versa. Ridiculous. Haku is next to come out as Hogan backdrops Greg Valentine, ending his run at 44 minutes and 3 seconds. Martel rips the shirt off Hogan and chokes him with it. Hogan has to stop wearing a shirt to the ring.

Four men left to come out as Jim Neidhart races out. Not to be outdone by his tag partner, Niedhart gets a pretty good pop. Someone throws a shirt at him mid-sprint and he tosses it away without slowing down for a second. Earthquake casually tosses Tito Santana but the camera caught it at the last second. Bushwhacker Luke stomps his way out to extract revenge for his partner being eliminated. Or maybe he's looking to start his singles career. Or it doesn't matter because as soon as he enter, Earthquake tosses him out on the other side of the ring. Luke doesn't miss a beat and stomps all the way to the back. Awesome. Brian Knobbs is out next as Piper nor Monsoon seems to know which one it is. Hercules is tossed by Brian Knobbs as the Warlord races down and attacks Davey Boy Smith, who is his Wrestlemania 7 opponent. Crush is eliminated by Hulk Hogan. Hogan clotheslines the Warlord out of the Rumble. The last entrant is on his way, and it's Tugboat. They deduct that Savage was number 18. Tugboat goes right after Earthquake. Lack of Savage really hurts the star power in this match, as there's next to no question who's winning this Rumble.

Literally, nothing exciting is happening. There's no reason all this dead weight shouldn't be flying out left and right. Tugboat nearly eliminates Hogan but he hangs on. The crowd nearly shit themselves on that one. Hogan comes from behind and dumps Tugboat. The British Bulldog dropkicks Mr. Perfect off the apron to send him to the locker room. Martel throws Neidhart over the top. Now they're finally picking up the pace, but the damage has been done. Bulldog backdrops Haku to the outside. Our final fore are Earthquake, Rick Martel, the British Bulldog and Hulk Hogan. Oh fuck me, Brian Knobbs is still in there. Martel goes up but Bulldog shakes the ropes, causing him to slip and fall on his testicular region. Bulldog shoves him over as Martel sets the longevity record at 52 minutes and 17 seconds. Earthquake and Knobbs send the Bulldog over the top and for the fourth year in a row, we're left with two heels and one face. The heels, of course, destroy Hogan. Splash by Earthquake. High fives all around. Elbow by Knobbs. Another one.

Earthquake makes like Kriss Kross and jumps around, and he sits on Hogan's chest. HOW CAN HULKAMANIA SURVIVE?! By no-selling all of it, of course, and standing up, followed by a double clothesline. Crowd freaks out as Hogan boots Knobbs over the top. Earthquake is left, and is easy pickings for Hogan. Hogan knocks Jimmy Hart on his ass for good measure. Hogan tries a body slam but Earthquake just falls on him. Big elbow drop by Earthquake as the crowd is worried! Another elbow. "Hogan! Hogan!" chants fill the arena. Powerslam by Earthquake. So Hogan no-sells all of it AGAIN and Hulks up. Punch, punch, punch, NO EFFECT, Hogan charges up, punch, nope...YOU!! Hogan fires away with three punches, irish whip, BIIIIG boot but Earthquake stays standing. Hogan calls for the body slam again and nails it. Hogan clotheslines Earthquake over the top to get his title shot against Sgt. Slaughter at Wrestlemania 7.

Boring Rumble. There is absolutely nothing memorable, at all. There was no wrestler (aside from Savage) that was considered a favorite to win, so every wrestler in the match looked like they were phoning it in until Hogan came in. Even after that, it took forever to get the dead weight out of the ring. Eliminations were too slow and unsuspenseful. Martel tried to make a name for himself in this one, though. I'll be generous at go **.