1999 Royal Rumble

DUD.

No, seriously, this Rumble sucks. Least favorite Rumble, ever. This match is basically Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon in an hour long match, with a bunch of other guys to play filler. Steve Austin is number 1 in the Rumble, drawn by Vince himself, and puts a $100,000 bounty on Austin's head. Vince put himself at number 30 until Shawn Michaels, the Commissioner at the time, told Vince he's number 2. Austin drives a monster truck into the arena, crushing four conveniently parked cars that were more or less in the middle of the road. How about that? Then Vince slapped Austin on Heat, so...it's pretty much on.

Howard Finkel takes about 20 minutes to explain the rules. #1 is, of course, Stone Cold Steve Austin. #2 is, in his wrestling debut, Vince McMahon, who is fucking JACKED. The bell rings and Austin destroys Vince, and the crowd loves it. Austin goes to toss Vince, but stops, and clotheslines him instead. #3 is GOLGA~! Earthquake, under a mask, with a love of Cartman. Golga attacks Austin during a Lou Thesz Press, which the crowd hates. He tries to toss Austin but Austin reverses it and tosses Golga out. Vince goes under the bottom rope and into the crowd so Austin goes after him. They disappear into the background, so there is NO ONE in the ring for the crowd. #4 is someone from LOD as we see Austin and Vince go into the bathroom. The Corporation is hiding in the bathroom (lolwut) and attacks Austin. We lost the camera, and Droz is in the ring. By himself. Doing nothing. So now the ONLY PERSON that they have built up to win the Rumble, is out of the ring, but not eliminated. So why should anyone in the crowd care?

#5 is Edge who tries to get the crowd riled up, but they just want Austin. The announcers just seem interested in Austin and Vince, too. Poor Froz and Edge have the horrible task of getting the crowd into it, but just can't. #6 is Gillberg, who the crowd DOES seem to enjoy. Gillberg is of course, the skinny joke version of Goldberg, who is the longest reigning Light Heavyweight Champion. He was pretty much awesome. He goes to pose on the ropes so Edge shoves him over. But the crowd does love Gillberg. In the ladies restroom (lolwut), Austin is dead on the ground. #7 is Steve Blackman. And we cut to the back to check on Austin, who is getting stretchered out. We get a little bit of in-ring action before switching back to Austin getting strapped to the gurney. #8 is the BEAST, Dan Severn. Severn and Blackman go at it, but the crowd doesn't care. So we see Austin being stretchered out of the arena as everyone in the lobby chants for Austin. And there goes Austin, into the ambulance. Who the hell are the fans outside? #9 is Tiger Ali Singh, as the names just get bigger and bigger...so we see Austin getting wheeled into the ambulance for good this time. Cole is brokenhearted. Lawler loves it. #10 is the Blue Meanie, as we're reallllly getting to the bottom of the barrel now. He's even in the J.O.B. Squad at this point a big inside joke. Crowd pops for his dancing, though. But only slightly.

#11 is...nobody. We go to the back as some big mammoth attacks Mosh. And it's Mabel, who came out earlier with a mask on. But he's all dressed in black here, with a skinny black mohawk. This is, for all intents and purposes, the debut of Viscera, just not by name. Viscera gets rid of Severn, Blackman, and Tiger Ali Singh immediate. Another entrant is coming out, rather quickly. And it's the Road Dogg, and the crowd finally gets into it. Droz and the Blue Meanie are tossed by Viscera, so Edge goes low to stop him...and attacks Road Dogg. Road Dogg tries to backdrop Edge out, but Edge hangs on, so Road Dogg pulls a Charlie Haas to Edge's Lillian Garcia and takes Edge out. The lights go out, and the Acolytes and Mideon (Phinneus Godwinn) attack Viscera up the ramp, where the Undertaker is to recruit/"sacrifice" Mabel. They beat the hell out of Viscera to the back, and now Road Dogg is left in the ring by himself. #13 is Gangrel. Gangrel beats up the Road Dogg, but is quickly tossed out. So we have the Road Dogg by himself. Again. At least the crowd likes him.

#14 is Kurrgan, who was an Oddity at this point. Leather hat on, tye dyed pants and shirt...what a look. Nothing good comes of this interaction, but Al Snow is #15. Al Snow is a little bit crazier here, as Goldust stole "Head" a couple weeks prior. Road Dogg tosses Al Snow as we get out thrilling continuation of Road Dogg vs. Kurrgan. #16 is Goldust...now wouldn't it have been a good idea to keep Al Snow in here for Goldust? But I digress. And Road Dogg takes control, and dominates Goldust and...Kurrgan. Okay then. They decide to team up against Road Dogg. Kurrgan holds Road Dogg and Goldust punches him in the nuts. That's pretty direct. #17 is the Godfather. #18 is Kane. Kane LAUNCHES the Road Dogg out, then Kurrgan, then the Godfather, and then Goldust. So we're left with KANE alone in the ring now. So much dead time. But the crowd loves Kane, who recently turned face due to not laying down for the Rock. A bunch of guys in white come out with a restraining jacket to bring Kane back to the institution, so Kane beats a couple up, and chases the rest away. He goes over the top rope, too, btw. So we have NOBODY in the ring.

#19 is...WAIT, Vince has stepped back into the ring. And #19 is Corporation's Ken Shamrock. Mr. McMahon goes on commentary as Shamrock does jack shit. #20 is Billy Gunn, who lost to Ken Shamrock in an Intercontinental Championship match earlier. Shamrock hurt Billy Gunn's ankle, so he hops to the ring, wearing only one boot. Gunn tosses Shamrock, but Shamrock hangs on and attacks the ankle. #21 is Test, also of the Corporation. Outside, they're still beating up Mabel and they shove him into a hearse. Okay then. Uh oh, an ambulance is on its way back as Vince looks like he shit himself. It's Austin driving the ambulance. Let's just not ask questions. Austin's walking to the ring and Vince is speechless. Billy Gunn hit both Corporation members in the nuts and clotheslines them both. And here's Austin. #22 is right behind him, as Austin chases Vince around the ring. The announcers don't even acknowledge who #22 is. Vince slides in the ring so Shamrock attacks Austin, but Austin takes Shamrock out. #22 ends up being the Big Boss Man, another Corporation member. Vince is back on commentary. #23 is Triple H, who the crowd is hot for. But he wasn't a main eventer yet and had no chance of winning. Hunter battles Test, and if only they knew what would happen by the end of 1999. Billy Gunn goes for Austin and the crowd hates him for it. The only time the crowd reacts is when something happens to or by Austin.

#24 is Val Venis. Austin tosses Billy Gunn out. #25 is X-Pac, who is apparently, the lightest Royal Rumble participant, EVER. He's also the European Champion, which is worth jack shit. Cole tells us that Val Venis could do a lot with $100,000. I'm sure he's the only one. #26 is Mark Henry. Cole tells us that Mark can do a lot with $100,000 for the ladies. Lawler tells us, "Sammie was a man!" Vince replies, "well, uh, that was a mistake..." Yeah, no shit. #27 is Jeff Jarrett. I'm hoping Cole tells us that Jeff can do a lot with $100,000 for Debra. Jeff has no real direction but winds up stomping on Austin with the Big Valbowski. You know what...that was a great nickname for the time. Problem is, no long term value in it due to the fact that it's topical. Bronco Buster for the Boss Man in the corner. #28 is D-Lo Brown, led to the ring by PMS, who is Jacqueline and Terri Runnels. Terri blames D-Lo for losing her baby, which ended up not being true. Lawler tells us that THEY can spend the $100,000. Austin tosses out Test. The Boss Man tosses out X-Pac. #29 is...Triple H tosses out Jeff Jarrett...which is a shame because here comes Owen Hart with his AWESOME "Enough is Enough" t-shirt. Owen goes right for Austin as the announcers fail to mention their history. Austin rolls out of the ring to drink water and throws the rest in Vince's face.

#30 is the first woman to join the Royal Ruble, and it's Chyna. Crowd likes that. Chyna attacks Mark Henry for lying about fucking her. So she tosses him out. And she turns around right into a clothesline from Austin, who sends her to the outside. Pedigree to Austin from Hunter...but Val Venis saved Austin for no discernable reas...OH, now he attacks Austin because he wants the money. Shit, that made sense. Triple H tosses Val. Triple H eats a Stunner and is clotheslined out.

Final four: Steve Austin, Big Boss Man, D-Lo Brown, and Owen Hart. Well, final five...Vince is still in this thing. Owen drills Austin with an enziguri. He charges at Austin in the corner but Austin backdrops him out. D-Lo hits the Lo-Down on Austin, but the Boss Man tosses him, and then eats a Stunner. Austin clotheslines the Boss Man out! The crowd loves that as Vince is about to piss himself...or cry. It's just like the 1995 Royal Rumble all over again! Austin dives for Vince but Vince hits Austin in the head. Austin no-sells and beats up Vince. Austin smacks Vince in the head with a chair on the outside. Vince hits a low blow on Austin in the ring. But it's for nothing as Vince eats a Stunner. Austin drags this on even longer and hits an elbow from the middle turnbuckle. HERE COMES THE ROCK! The Rock distracts, so Austin, like an idiot, wants the Rock in the ring. Rock gets up on the apron and tangles with Austin, and Vince sneaks up from behind and dumps Austin to win the 1999 Royal Rumble. I cannot express enough how shitty this Rumble is, but we'll go with 1/2*.