1989 Royal Rumble

I'm going to be watching every Royal Rumble match going up to the 2011 Royal Rumble, my favorite annual match in wrestling.

This is the only the second Royal Rumble in history, and the first one with 30 participants. The stipulation of the winner getting a WWF Championship match at Wrestlemania has not yet been made.

The Royal Rumble is supposed to be every man for himself, something that last year's Rumble did not reiterate. This makes the '89 Rumble infinitely more interesting, as numbers 1 and 2 are the WWF Tag Team Champions, Ax and Smash of Demolition. Cute touch, Finkel says "drawn at random" to reinforce the idea that this was not planned.

Right away, Ax and Smash battle each other. Legendary commentator Gorilla Monsoon puts over the prestige of the WWF Championship, in that friend will battle friend and tag partner will battle tag partner for a shot at it. 2 minute intervals in this one, but the WWF always plays around with the timing. Always. Ax and Smash trade blows, holds and slams to where neither man can get a clear advantage. Smash works Ax in the corner, and even tries a failed elimination, but number 3 come in. And it's the monstrous Andre the Giant, being led to the ring by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Ax and Smash wisely stop attacking each other and team up to take on Andre, with a double clothesline to knock him off his feet. Nice bit of booking to see Demolition demolishing each other and then instantly reuniting to take on the unstoppable force. Or is he the immovable object? I can't remember/never knew. Andre starts to take control as Mr. Perfect (in wrestling tights and not a singlet :-( ) saunters out. Perfect attacks everyone. The '88 Rumble refused to have heels face heels and faces battle faces, but thankfully they fixed it right away. Andre the Giant tosses Smash out, so Ax and Mr. Perfect (a face and a heel) attack Andre.

Like an idiot, Ax turns on Mr. Perfect, breaking the tandem offense. Of course, Andre takes control of both men as Rugged Ronnie Garvin makes his way down. Andre gets tied up in the ropes and a triple-team effort attempts to eliminate Andre. Unfortunately, Andre's just too damn big. Ax attacks Perfect again (ugh) so Andre gets free, and takes control again. The action lulls as there's no strategy here, so out comes Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Sadly, there's no titantron, so there's no countdown from the crowd. The managers aren't allowed at ringside either, which is kind of dumb.

4-on-1 but Andre, again...is just too damn big. Garvin hammers at Andre but Andre's all, "go fuck yourself" and hip tosses him out. Greg Valentine tries some chops on Andre, so Andre chokes the hell out of him against the ropes. Andre chokes Ax now and gets a look on his face like he's about to unhinge his jaw and swallow Ax whole. Number 7 is Jake "The Snake" Roberts (did everyone have a nickname in the '80's?). Jake follows suit and attacks Andre, but has more of a personal vendetta against him. Andre gets to choking Jake as soon as he gets in the ring. Andre was quite the spectacle but his offense is largely the same. "The Outlaw" Ron Bass makes his way as number 8 and goes after Mr. Perfect, while Andre casually tosses Jake Roberts out. Crowd does not like that, as Jake is the only one to have gotten a noticeably big pop upon entrance.

Nothing else really happens as there's an on-again off-again team up against Andre, but Andre just keeps choking everyone in his path. Number 9 reveals himself to be future Hall of Famer, Shawn Michaels. Crowd pops for the purple-tighted young superstar. One half of the Rockers here, Shawn was pulling out high flying, exciting offense not usually seen in the WWE. Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect tosses out Ax, shattering his dreams of being the first person to win from #1. Perfect tosses Shawn out, but Shawn skins the cat to the delight of the crowd. Pretty much everything Shawn does is getting a pop. Shawn nearly dropkicks Perfect out but he falls through the ropes back into the ring. Shawn bumps like a pro here, and makes the match come to life when he's on offense.

We're one-third of the way through as BUSHWACKER BUTCH COMES OUT! Crowd LOVES Butch, and rightfully so. Jake Roberts comes back and tosses the Snake in the ring and Andre FREAKS OUT and jumps over the top rope to get away. The action halts due to the presence of Damien in the ring. Jake takes his snake and leaves, accomplishing his goal. Creative exit when Andre was still being presented as a force to be reckoned with. Think...Big Show, if Big Show actually won matches and didn't get his ass kicked constantly. The Honky Tonk Man comes out as Jimmy Hart's second contribution to the Rumble. Bass and Tonky wisely double team Butch, as Butch has become the odds on favorite to win.

The Jimmy Hart connection tries to eliminate Shawn but Shawn fights his way out with vigor. Perfect is desperately trying to throw Honky out but Honky's not having any of it. Tito Santana runs to the ring and attacks Mr. Perfect. There's a lot of awkward standing around, moreso than the usual Rumble. Being only the second incarnation of the match, most wrestlers weren't sure what to do except sluggishly try to eliminate people, and hammer away at them slowly in the corner. Bad News Brown in now. Tito Santana and the future Hall of Famer, Butch, toss out the Honky Tonk Man. Butch revels in his success. Like last year, there's no hype to any of these eliminations, Andre aside. Gorilla even seems bored as he keeps guessing that the next entrant will be out soon.

Shawn dangerously scales the top and hits a double...double axe handle on Bass and Bad News. Greg Valentine hits an atomic drop on Shawn that nearly jolts him over the top. BUT HERE COMES MARTY JANNETTY! Crowd clearly likes Shawn more, but they're still buzzing. Bass attacks Marty but Shawn makes the save, and they hit a double elbow on Bass, followed by a double drop kick to send The Outlaw to the outside. Smart elimination on that one that the crowd got into. Unfortunately, they go their separate ways instead of trying to double team everyone out. Tito and Butch try their former success on Valentine to no avail.

AND HERE COMES THE MACHO MAN, RANDY SAVAGE! He sprints to the ring and KEEPS WEARING HIS SUNGLASSES as he beats the hell out of Bad News Brown. The crowd is ALIVE for Savage. Sadly, there's no capitalization as Savage eliminates no one, thus killing his momentum. They fix that in the later years but there's so much dead weight in here that they really should have had Savage toss a couple guys out. Instead, he just gets lost in the shuffle. Doesn't really matter since Butch has this shit on lock down. Double A, Arn Anderson enters the ring. Meanwhile, Savage tosses out Valentine. Poor timing. He could have just as easily done that when he entered. Double A and Shawn destroy each other, but Savage joins the fray, and helps Double A eliminate Shawn. Poor decision there; Shawn was anything but dead weight. Marty tries for revenge against Double A but nothing happens as Tully Blanchard comes out. STUPID. There's no reason for Shawn to be eliminated right before Tully comes out. Thus, we don't get any Brainbusters vs. Rockers action, and considering the great matches they had against each other, it's a missed opportunity to liven up the Rumble.

DOUBLE A SPINEBUSTER ON MARTY! The Brainbusters beat the hell out of Marty Jannetty and eliminate him as a result. And here comes Hulkamania! Okay, now we should get rid of some dead weight. Mr. Perfect is gone, yet, again, not really dead weight. Tito Santana was just eliminated, as the camera missed it entirely. Bad News Brown and the Brainbusters try to take out Hogan, but Hulkamania is runnin'...well, mildly jogging wild. AND HERE COMES BUSHWACKER LUKE! It's all over now. Luke is a HOUSEOFFIRE as he attacks Double A...but Tully surprises Luke from behind. Meanwhile, Butch is tossed over the top. Thus, again, any interesting tag team interaction we could have had is teased and thrown out the window. The Bushwackers were pretty over too, so again, another missed opportunity. Epic confrontation as Luke attacks Hulk Hogan, realizing this is the closest he'll be to the main event.

Koko B. Ware is out, flapping his arms all around, but unfortunately does nothing else of note. Luke keeps attacking Hulk Hogan like Hogan pissed in his Wheaties. Hogan back drops Koko B. Ware out of the ring. Luke follows in the same manner. Awesome moment as the Brainbusters try to double team Hogan out against the ropes, but it just looks like Arn's holding Hogan while Tully fucks him up the ass. Hogan takes both Brainbusters out as a result! The Warlord comes in, and 2 seconds later, is clotheslined out by Hogan! Bad News tries to eliminate Savage, so Hogan pushes Bad News out! Sadly, Savage gets caught up and follows on the way down. Savage is NOT happy and slides into the ring to confront Hogan. Miss Elizabeth is out so fast, she forgot her shoes. She gets between them to calm things down. Savage wants to shake hands after his FREAK OUT FREAK OUT. They shake hands and hug but man, the dissension is there, ready to explode. What a great build up spot there to the Wrestlemania main event to come that year. Big Boss Man makes his way to the ring but gets schooled by Hogan. Boss Man comes back and hits a piledriver, which I'm never used to seeing anymore.

The buzzer hits as we don't even get the countdown in the corner, and here comes Akeem. Gorilla speculates at the Twin Towers cheated to get their numbers together. Hogan valiantly tries to take them both on but they manage to toss Hogan out. Hogan is not content and pulls Boss Man out of the ring. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake comes out to help his friend on the outside. Brutus now has the daunting task of surviving both Twin Tower members, something Hogan couldn't do. Hogan pulls Boss Man out of the ring. What a poor sport. He was eliminated fairly! He beats down the Boss Man to the back, allowed Beefcake a chance to survive. Unfortunately, Akeem just simply tries to eliminate Beefcake until THE RED ROOSTER comes out. Yes, Terry Taylor hits the ring and helps Beefcake attempt to eliminate Akeem.

Nothing of note happens as the Barbarian comes out. He saves Akeem from elimination, then attacks him himself. Even Monsoon and Ventura point out how stupid that is. Again, nothing of note happens as Big John Studd comes out to a decent pop. He is our number 27, the number that has produced more winning entrants than any other number in Rumble history. Studd tries to take out Akeem by himself. Beefcake tries to help but Studd shoves him away; he wants Akeem all to himself. Hercules sprints out and the crowd doesn't seem to care much. It's interesting to see most of the interesting wrestlers have already been in and out, so the crowd doesn't care much, especially with Hogan and Savage both gone. The WWE learned to build the entrants up better in later years. As a result though, this match is really suffering towards the end. The crowd is dying for someone interesting as Rick Martel dashes out.

You know what else hurts this? There's no entrance music for anyone. The crowd can't get excited because half of them can't see who's coming out. Martel, again, loses his momentum as he can't eliminate anyone. There's 3 attempted eliminations going on right now but NOTHING IS HAPPENING. It's mind numbingly dull. Number 30 is Ted Dibiase, being accompanied by Virgil. During the drawing, DiBiase seemed upset with his number. The announcers assume he bought number 30. That's everyone in the ring. DiBiase whips the Rooster in the corner head-first, who flips his way out of the ring. The eliminations need to be a bit more rapid fire at this point. Beefcake hops on Hercules back for a sleeper, but DiBiase and the Barbarian shove them both over the top. Virgil, for some reason, gets to stay on the outside of the ring. The faces in this match are not faring well. The Barbarian goes up top for a diving headbutt on Martel. Martel ducks a clothesline, though, and dropkicks the Barbarian to the outside.

Our final four are Ted DiBiase, Rick Martel (who is trying to get the crowd into it), Big John Studd and Akeem. Martel hits a pair of dropkicks on Akeem, tries a crossbody, but gets caught and Akeem dumps Martel out. Just like last year, two heels and a face are left as the final three. Funny spot as DiBiase hits a double axe handle off the top onto Studd, but Studd doesn't fall...he just stumbles towards DiBiase as DiBiase slowly backs up. Puts over how dominating and frightening Studd could be. Big John gets avalanche splashed by Akeem, but pulls DiBiase in front of him the second time it happens. Studd hammers Akeem across the back, who stumbles to the outside.

DiBiase tries to bribe Big John Studd and realizes he's in deep shit, so he hits the eye rake. Unfortunately, he goes up top but it caught in a two-handed choke hold and shoved into the corner. All DiBiase's offense is failing and every move he hits is filled with desperation. Big John Studd hits a beautiful Double Arm Suplex on DiBiase. Studd hits a gutwrench suplex, which isn't as lovely but is still effective. Studd finally is bored of beating up DiBiase and tosses him over. Virgil attacks from behind but Big John Studd laughs in his face and body slams the hell out of Virgil.

Okay, here's the thing. It had a few interesting moments. The beginning was interesting, everything with Jake Roberts was interesting, and the crowd was hot for when Savage came in all the way until Hogan left. After that, though, it was all dullsville, USA. The WWE certainly ended up learning a lot from these early Rumbles, but it doesn't make them that much more interesting. **1/2