1996 Royal Rumble

Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect are on commentary this year. #1 is Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and Duke Droese is #30 as they wrestled earlier in the night to determine those spots. Hunter comes out in his Rumble debut. #2 is Henry Godwinn, as these two had a memorable feud in their own right. Who can forget the Pig Pen Match? We're back to two minute intervals this year (thankfully). Back and forth action between the two as the crowd is hot for Godwinn. #3 is Bob Backlund, who looks more and more ridiculous every year. And by ridiculous, I mean clinically insane. Backlund attacks Godwinn who was trying to eliminate Hunter. Backlund has no qualms about attacking Triple H, as well. The three men jockey for positioning as #4 comes out, and it's Jerry "The King" Lawler! Big "Burger King" chant as Lawler grabs Godwinn's slop. Backlund and Hunter hold Godwinn as Lawler goes to slop Godwinn, but Godwinn escapes and grabs the slop bucket. The ring clears out through the ropes. Lawler and some of Backlund end up getting slopped on the outside as Godwinn takes control, but the hell are back on the offense. #5 is Bob Holly. Nothing of note happens as #6 is King Mabel. Sir Mo accompanies him to the ring. More nothing. #7 is the return of Jake "The Snake" Roberts as the crowd goes nuts for him. He unleashes the snake and the entire ring bolts to the outside. Lawler gets caught and has the snake thrown on him.

Mabel is caught in the ropes as Lawler has not returned to the ring. In fact, he's nowhere in the sight. The hype in the ring dies down as Dory Funk, Jr. is #8. Jake tries the DDT on Hunter, but just like every other Rumble, it fails. The crowd REALLY wants the DDT, though. Lawler is shown peaking his head out from under the ring. #9 is the massive (and I mean massive) Yokozuna. Yokozuna tosses Backlund out, as he is the first man eliminated. Yokozuna and Mabel battle it out as the crowd keeps chanting for the DDT. Mabel splashes down Godwinn, as we're going to need a spatula to get him off the mat. #10 is the 1-2-3 Kid, who, earlier in the night, cost Razor Ramon the Intercontinental Championship. He keeps looking behind him, and sure enough, Razor runs out after him. The refs get him out but Razor gets back in the ring, only to be stopped by Mabel. Jerry Brisco tells Razor to GTFO. #11 is Takao Omori, from New Japan Pro Wrestling. Jake knocks Yokozuna off his feet to a good pop. #12 is Savio Vega, finally free of the Kwang chains that bound him. He goes after big Mabel for whatever reason and hits a nice spinning heel kick. Yokozuna dumps Mabel! Now who the hell can take out Yokozuna? Omori tries to take out Jake the Snake, but Jake hangs on and Omori goes out.

Mr. Perfect hypes up #13, and it's VADER TIME! Poor Spark Plugg is Vader's target, but then Vader just backs off. Savio Vega eliminates Dory Funk from the apron and Vader pulls Savio inside. Sadly, Vader fails to make ANY kind of impact, which is a huge miss to put him over as a monster. #14 is...Doug Gilbert, from the USWA. Mr. Perfect points out how he used to tag with his late brother, Eddie Gilbert. Jake goes for the DDT and NAILS it on Savio Vega! Crowd loves it. He tries for one on Doug Gilbert but Vader hammers Jake so hard, he stumbles backwards and out of the ring. #15 is one of the Swat Team Members, making his debut. Hot damn, I forgot all about them. Even Vince doesn't know which one it is. I'm sorry, Squat Team. Wikipedia even fucking lists him as Squat Team #1. Vader picks up Doug Gilbert, nearly drops him, but manages to flop him to the outside. And Vader tosses out the Squat Team member. kthxbai. The other Squat Team member comes out as Perfect goes, "wait a minute, he just got eliminated!" Squat Team member 1 comes back to the ring with 2. Vader beats the hell out of both of them. Vader clotheslines the same one out as Yokozuna gets the legal man out.

#17 is Owen Hart. Yokozuna holds Savio Vega as Vader beats the tar out of him. Vader throws Yokozuna into Savio Vega in the corner, then Vader splashes Savio himself. Savio's done. Not eliminated, just...done. From life. The big men continue to kill Savio, even after he's dead. #18 is THE HEARTBREAK KID, SHAWN MICHAELS! Crowd pops for him, as he attacks...Savio Vega. Then the 1-2-3 Kid. Then Triple H. Vader finally puts Savio Vega out of his misery and throws him out. Vader and Yokozuna start slapping each other now and THE MASK IS OFF. Shawn is beating everyone else up in the ring that isn't over 300 pounds. Shawn DUMPS BOTH YOKOZUNA AND VADER! Amazing. Crowd goes NUTS. Shawn gorilla press slams the 1-2-3 Kid to the outside, as that may be the only time you see Shawn gorilla press slam someone.

#19 is Hakushi, but Vader attacks Yoko on the outside and then comes back into beat up Shawn Michaels. Jerry Brisco and the refs are back out! Vader tosses Shawn to the outside, but it does not count. Vader also tosses Owen Hart out. Then Hunter. Then Holly. If only he could do this a few minutes earlier! Vader finally leaves as Hakushi finally enters the ring, but #20 is Tatanka. Shawn tosses Jim Cornette to the outside, because, why not? Owen dumps Hakushi as #21 is the return of Aldo Montoya. "He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body!" Shawn goes under the ring and pulls out Lawley from underneath. Tatanka dumps Aldo Montoya and Shawn finally dumps Jerry the King, as #22 is BIG DADDY COOL, DIESEL. He looks mean as hell. Diesel is able to capitalize on his momentum and tosses Tatanka. #23 is the Supreme Fighting Machine, Kama. Shawn beats up Bob Holly as Diesel and Kama battle it out. Owen's trying to get Hunter over the top. #24 is the Ringmaster, better known as Stone Cold Steve Austin. The nails a chop block on Bob Holly to start. Perfect gushes over Austin, saying, "he reminds me of me so much!" Holly tries to slingshot Austin over, but Austin sneaks in and knees Holly in the back, sending him to the outside. Vince puts over Bob Holly...he would continue to try and put Bob Holly over for another 13 years after this. Never worked.

#25 is Barry Horwitz, complete with Jewish theme music. "If Barry Horwitz goes to Wrestlemania and gets a shot at the Heavyweight Champion, I'M getting back in the ring!" Perfect is gold. Shawn tries to take out Owen but Owen steals a page out of Shawn's book and skins the cat. Hunter punches Diesel like a mosquito, so Diesel swats him away, and fucking LAUNCHES him to the outside. Hunter gets the longevity record for the night at 48 minutes and 1 second, which is still far from the record. #26 is Make a Difference Fatu, who always seems to get late numbers in these Rumbles. "If Horwitz wins this match, I quit, you'll never see me again!" #27 is Isaac Yankeem, DDS, aka Kane in his first of MANY Rumble appearances. Owen Hart eliminates Barry Horwitz as Perfect's job is safe for another day. Owen Hart delivers an enziguri to Shawn Michaels, which is relevant because the last time Owen did that to Shawn, he "concussed" Shawn. Shawn managed to get back up this time and eliminates Owen Hart. The Ringmaster runs down Shawn and steals his pose, so Diesel clocks him. #28 is Marty Jannetty, as he attacks Diesel, clearly jealous of Diesel's allegiance with Shawn Michaels. Fatu nearly gets Shawn out, but Shawn hangs on just barely...so Fatu walks away. Meh. Shawn and Jannetty go at it now, which the crowd likes. They knock each other both down. "They're rockin' now, aren't they?"

#29 is the British Bulldog, complete with short hair, and he goes right after Shawn Michaels, hoping to avoid a repeat of last year. Bulldog dumps Marty Jannetty. The Ringmaster is eliminated by Make a Difference Fatu, as I picture Make a Difference Fatu running down the Ringmaster with a limo. Isaac Yankeem clotheslines Fatu out. #30 is a foregone conclusion due to the match earlier in the night, and it's Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. Shawn and Bulldog spill to the outside (through the ropes) and they brawl, as Owen runs back out to attack Shawn. Shawn gets back into the ring and dropkicks Isaac Yankeem out. Diesel and Kama take out Duke. Final four: Kama, Diesel, Shawn Michaels, and the British Bulldog. The Bulldog tries to take out Shawn but Shawn hangs on for a second year in a row, slides in through the Bulldog's legs and clotheslines the Bulldog out! Kama tries to take Shawn out, but Diesel manages to take Kama out on the other side of the ring, so Shawn superkicks Diesel in the face and OUT OF THE RING. Shawn Michaels wins his second Royal Rumble in a row, in a much more impressive fashion than last year. I'm disappointed they didn't build it up more after Owen attacked him, but not by much. Diesel is pissed as hell but calms down and congratulates Shawn. Much better than last year with some fun spots thrown in. ***1/2