This is an interesting Rumble for a number of reasons. Again, there are a few guys in here that could reasonably win, being Stone Cold, the Undertaker, Kurt Angle, and Triple H, who is wrestling in his first match since May of 2001 here, coming off of his first torn quadriceps muscle. Also, they promoted the returns of Goldust, Mr. Perfect, and a couple other guys in this one. There are also a bunch of fresh faces, as the Invasion angle had just ended and a few guys (Booker T, DDP, the Hurricane, etc) are in this one.
#1 is Rikishi. #2 is the returning Goldust. Crowd pops big for him. Dustin Runnels really took this outlandish gimmick and made it his own, and is still completely over with the crowd these days. They toyed with heel Goldust when he returned, but the crowd loved him too much, and he found a formidable tag team partner with Booker T. But that's later. Goldust circles Rikishi and bites at him, and Rikishi attacks. 2 minute intervals again this year. Goldust shows no ring rust here. He nearly gets tossed but hangs on for dear life. Goldust survives being backdropped out of the ring again. Goldust stays in the match as the Big Boss Man is #3. The Boss Man came back late in 2001 and retired from WWE in-ring competition about 5 months after this, before passing away sadly 2 years later. The Boss Man is still a great, old school heel here. Boss Man calls the shots as he teams with Goldust to try and toss Rikishi. It doesn't work so Goldust turns on the Boss Man. #4 is Bradshaw of the APA, and the crowd is HOT tonight. Bradshaw hits everything that moves. Honestly, the thing that wrestlers seem to miss in these Rumbles, is that something should ALWAYS be going on. There's so many wrestlers in the ring that there's no reason a couple guys shouldn't always have the stage to keep the crowd into it. This Rumble is doing that well so far. Rikishi superkicks the Boss Man, followed by a clothesline, sending him to the outside.
#5 is...and if I could be serious for a minute here... Lance Storm. And right here, Storm tries to get Goldust out, and Rikishi tries to get Bradshaw out. Obviously, neither man is going out by the way they're trying to toss them, so one of these pairs should take the center of the ring and do something interesting. #6 is Al Snow. Bradshaw just TAKES Storm's head off, viciously, with the Clothesline from Hell. Man that was intense. Anyway, Al Snow had just found somewhat of a career resurgence as the head trainer on Tough Enough, which got him more screen time than he ever had in the WWE. #7 is The One Billy Gunn, who now goes by Billy, in a tag team with Chuck Palumbo. This of course, led to their almost-marriage, to which Billy replied, "OH we're not gay!" Cracked me up. This is one of my favorite spots in the Rumble: Snow backdrops Storm onto the apron. Lance Storm tries to suplex Al Snow to the outside but he lands on the apron as well. They trade blows, and Storm hits an eyepoke. He goes for the superkick but gets caught, so Snow delivers his own superkick and Storm falls to the outside. I LOVE that elimination. One of my all-time favorites. Bradshaw tries to dump Goldust but Gunn sneaks up from behind and dumps Bradshaw.
#8 is...well fuck it, it's the Undertaker. And not just any Undertaker, but the HEEL Undertaker. Snow just stares at him in fear. Say goodbye to everyone in the ring. Chokeslam to Billy Gunn. 'Taker hits everyone moving. Goldust is Chokeslammed out of the ring. Goodbye Al Snow. Adios Rikishi. And peace the fuck out Billy Gunn. The Undertaker stands alone in his yard, telling them to get somebody in the ring. Despite being a heel, the crowd pops big for him. #9 is Matt Hardy, accompanied to the ring by Lita. Back in December, the Undertaker put Matt, Jeff, and Lita all out of action, during a Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy feud. 'Taker grabs Matt by the throat so Lita jumps off the top, but gets caught by the throat too. 'Taker shoves Matt away but Lita goes low. Swinging neckbreaker by Matt and Lita and Matt stomp away at the Undertaker. 'Taker kicks Matt in the nuts to stop his momentum. Matt tries to dump 'Taker, who is having NONE of that. #10 is Jeff Hardy, as the Hardys are reunited! Jeff saves Matt from being suplexed out of the ring! Matt DDT's 'Taker, and now the Hardys and Lita stomp away at the Undertaker. Big pop for that. Two years in a row Matt and Jeff have close numbers by each other and the Hardys hug. Good, because their feud crashed and burned. 'Taker clotheslines both Hardys at once to shut them the fuck up. 'Taker tosses Jeff, but he hangs on the apron. Twist of Fate...kinda...on 'Taker! Swanton Bomb! THE SHIRTS ARE COMING OFF! Well, just Matt's, so it's not that big of a pop. Poetry in Motion coming up but Jeff is caught and dumped. Last Ride to Matt Hardy. Bye bye young Matthew Hardy.
Without missing a beat, we have another entrant. #11 is...Tough Enough Season 1 winner, Maven. Maven is excited and pumped until he sees it's just the Undertaker in the ring. Everyone assumes Maven is fucked, and rightfully so. Lawler wants to time how long this will take. Lita is up on the apron to distract 'Taker. He shoves her off the apron so the Hardys run in to attack the Undertaker. 'Taker swats them away like flies and eliminates them again. Then, in one of the biggest surprise eliminations in the Rumble ever, Maven dropkicks the Undertaker from behind and SENDS HIM TO THE OUTSIDE! This was HUGE, as the Undertaker had a real chance to win and this no-name rookie eliminates him early on. Maven jumps up and down and then realizes what he's DONE, so the Undertaker comes back in the ring and beats the fuck out of Maven. In fact, they go through the crowd to the concession stands, and Maven goes through the ropes but is effectively taken out of the match. Maven takes a BRUTAL chair shot straight to the head. #12 is Scotty 2 Hotty who dances his way down until the Undertaker kills him dead on the ramp with a right hand. Maven does his first blade job! 'Taker beats Maven all around the arena as #13 is Christian, complete with awesome amazing pyro and theme music. 'Taker, ever the awesome one, eats popcorn after he throws Maven's head through a popcorn machine. Christian poses in the ring with his European Championship. Scotty is still wondering where the fuck he is, as Christian relaxes on the ropes. Scotty now in the ring, and he takes it to Christian.
#14 is Positively Page, DDP. DDP is in his motivational gimmick, which worked for him pretty well. He squares off against him Wrestlemania 18 opponent, Christian. Page was so over; they really fucked him over during the Invasion. He could have easily led the WCW/ECW Alliance side. When he pulled his mask off to reveal himself as the Undertaker's stalker, the crowd went wild. Such a shame it went down like it did, and he had more success as a mid-carder with the European Championship. Diamond Cutter to Christian and Scotty superkicks him through the ropes. This leaves the ring clear for a bulldog, followed by the...W-O-R-M! DDP back in and throws Scotty 2 Hotty over the rope and to the outside. Chuck Palumbo enters at #15. Page and Palumbo beat the hell out of each other for a bit before Christian joins in to clothesline DDP. #16 is the return of the Godfather! At this point, he's gone "legit." He brings out 4 ho's. Then...he brings out 4 more. THEN...he brings out 4 MORE. Godfather owns an escort service at this point. And 12 women dance around the Godfather at the top of the ramp and the crowd digs it. DDP was eliminated off-camera by Christian and Palumbo. Bad timing, really. Godfather starts to go to the ring, but runs back up to dance a little more. We replay as Chuck throws DDP into Christian, who backdrops him to the outside. Godfather gets in the ring as we get another entrant!
#17 is Albert, as I totally forgot he teamed with Scotty 2 Hotty for awhile. The Hip-Hop Hippo! Sure, why not. Interesting watching Albert work as a face but he did a pretty good job. Pump kick to the Godfather. He tries to eliminate the Godfather but Christian and Palumbo sneak up from behind and toss Albert. The Godfather runs through both Christian and Palumbo with a double clothesline, and then runs the HO-TRAIN on them. They both move and clothesline the Godfather out of the ring. Crowd HATES that. Christian and Palumbo go at it as Perry Saturn enters at #18. I miss Moppy. Saturn had a rough few years not long after this, getting shot and becoming addicted to meth. He only recently returned to the public spotlight. #19 is Stone Cold Steve Austin to a gigantic pop. Austin eliminates Christian. Stunner to Saturn. Austin tosses Palumbo. And there goes Saturn! Austin brings back his fictional watch, realizes he has more time, throws Christian back in, gives him a Stunner, and tosses him again! He goes back outside for Palumbo, throws HIM inside, Stunner, and there goes Palumbo again! Austin chants "What?" as the crowd counts down, and Val Venis returns at #20. Shitty way to come back to the ring, eh Val? Austin listens to his watch and attacks when Val gets in the ring. Val mounts a comeback and gains some offense on Austin. Lou Thesz Press to Val Venis as Test enters at #21. Lots of double team offense on Austin here, mainly so Val doesn't immediately job out on his return. Austin mounts the comeback, Test accidentally boots Val, Austin clotheslines Val out, Stunner to Test, and Austin tosses Test out!
Game over, as #22 is Triple H, to the pop of the night. I do believe this is his return match, anyway, and the motherfucker is JACKED; unfortunately it hurt his in-ring product, and he was never able to be as good as he was in 2000-2001 again, sadly. Hunter's last match was losing his tag titles to Jericho and Benoit. His partner? The Texas Rattlesnake. They exchange words before Austin throws the first punch. Enough time has passed during the elimination, as the Hurricane has the misfortune of being #23. Austin and Triple H clothesline each other in the middle of the ring. The Hurricane preps for the...Chokeslam. He grabs Triple H and Austin by the throat simultaneously. Hunter and Austin just look at each other, grab Hurricane by the back of the head, and throw him straight to the outside. They follow by chopping the shit out of each other. We're cutting down on time between entrants, as Faarooq of the APA is #24. Faarooq just keeps getting SHITTY draws in the Rumble. Spinebuster to Austin, and he tries to toss him out but Triple H attacks from behind and saves Austin inadvertently. Stunner to Faarooq and Triple H clotheslines him out. Triple H and Stone Cold continue to beat the tar out of each other.
#25 is the return of MR. FUCKING PERFECT, looking fit as hell. I believe the last time he was in the WWE was 1996, where he helped manage a young Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Perfect had such great theme music; in fact...it was Perfect. He tosses his towel at Austin and works him over. Triple H goes to attack but Perfect knocks him down too. Perfect pulls one of his straps up and tries to eliminate Austin. He catches Triple H coming up and goes on the offense. Triple H and Austin work Perfect against the ropes, and, in another one of the best moments ever in a Rumble, he STILL manages to spit his gum out AND swat it away! Beautiful!! #26 is Kurt Angle. He goes right after Triple H, who returned to Madison Square Garden and Pedigreed Kurt upon arrival. Kurt was not too pleased about that. We get a fantastic, "You Suck! What? You Suck! What?" chant. Kurt works over Triple H and tries to eliminate him, but Austin runs over and (ugh) saves Triple H. For his reward, he gets an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. The participants are just getting bigger and bigger as #27 is the Big Show. Chokeslam to Mr. Perfect. Big Show grabs Austin and Hunter by the throat as well but they fight out of it. Big Show still plows through them both with a double clothesline. Kurt tries a waistlock but fails a German Suplex, and eats a gorilla press slam for his results...well, nearly, as Triple H attacks first and Kurt is saved. At least in this case, he did it because Big Show is the biggest threat in the ring at this point. Big Show just dominates everyone here.
Chokeslam to Triple H, as Kane enters at #28. Doesn't look like he'll top his elimination record this year, but he goes toe-to-toe with the Big Show. Kane tries a clothesline but Big Show shrugs it off and boots Kane. They grab each other by the throat but Kane goes low, picks Big Show up, and BODY SLAMS BIG SHOW OVER THE TOP ROPE! For his rewards, he eats a Stunner, and gets an Olympic Slam to the outside. Crowd isn't happy with that, as Kane was just getting more and more over as a face. #29 is Rob Van Dam. He immediately goes up top and hits Kurt Angle with a Five Star Frog Splash. Kick to Triple H. Spinning heel kick to Austin! There's one for Perfect! Body slam to Austin, Rolling Thunder! Whoops, Triple H kicks Van Dam and hits the Pedigree to stop him in his tracks. It really bothers me that Perfect didn't pull his other strap up. #30 is Booker T. He picks up Rob Van Dam, who was still dead from the Pedigree, and casually tosses him over the top. SPINAROONI!!! Austin isn't amused, Stunner to Booker that sends him over the top.
Final four: Triple H, Kurt Angle, Mr. Perfect and Triple H. The action is hot and heavy as Austin slingshots Hunter into the turnbuckle, and Angle hits him with an Olympic Slam. Angle delivers a German Suplex to Austin...followeed by another one...and a third one...and a fourth one! Their Smackdown! match of last year had nearly a dozen German Suplexes to (heel) Austin from (face) Kurt Angle. Angle and Perfect nearly dump Austin but he hangs on. Austin fights out of Perfect and Angle, and tries to eliminate Perfect. Angle runs from behind and DUMPS AUSTIN! Perfect attacks Angle as Triple H starts to stir a bit. Austin drags Perfect to the outside and attacks, but Angle throws Austin into the steel steps. Hunter is back up and attacks Angle. Austin grabs a chair and slides back in, STEEL CHAIR SHOT TO PERFECT AND ANGLE! There's one to Triple H for good measure, because he's Stone Cold Steve Austin, and he don't give a fuuuuuck. Hey, lookie: two heels and a face are left. Angle and Perfect team up to take on Hunter, but Hunter ducks and Angle nearly clotheslines Perfect out, but he hangs on and goes after Angle! PERFECTPLEX TO ANGLE! It gets a damn good pop. Neck flip!! But Triple H clotheslines Perfect out of the ring. And Kurt Angle PULLS DOWN THE STRAPS! IT IS ON! SPEAR TO KURT ANGLE! No love loss here as Kurt successfully retained his WWF Heavyweight Championship a year earlier at the Royal Rumble, with help from Austin. Kurt tries to dump Hunter to no avail. Hunter is back in and just attacks the throat, choking Kurt Angle on the mat. Hunter charges but Kurt backdrops him...only to the apron! Kurt thinks he won but Hunter comes back, facebuster, and Kurt is clotheslined to the outside! Triple H wins!! Some great spots in this Rumble, and it almost always stayed interesting. What else can I ask for? ****1/2
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
2001 Royal Rumble
Okay, NOW we're cooking with gas. Right off the bat, you could realistically have recently-turned heel Rikishi winning it, Kane, the Undertaker, the Rock, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. There's also the question of if the Undertaker and Kane are working together. And of course, there's 25 other guys, but none of them can win.
#1 is Jeff Hardy. #2 is Bull Buchanan of the Right to Censor. They waste no time getting started here. 2 minute intervals this year. Jeff hits some high flying moves to get the crowd into it before he gets his head taken off. Bull tries to gorilla press slam Jeff Hardy out, but Jeff rakes the eyes. Bull really struggled with that one. #3 is Matt Hardy! He goes to work on Bull, as the Hardys hit Poetry on Motion before double clotheslining Bull outside. The brothers touch knuckles and then lock up. Crowd doesn't really want to see the Hardys wrestle each other, though, is the problem. But it is the first time they've faced each other, if I recall correctly. Jeff tries to dump Matt, but they pause during the countdown. #4 is Faarooq, who doesn't have much better luck than he did last year. I spoke too soon as Faarooq ran right through the Hardys with a clothesline. Poetry in Motion missteps, and Faarooq catches Jeff, nearly throwing him out. Faarooq tries a Dominator on Matt, but Matt escapes. Twist of Fate, and Jeff nails the Swanton. They toss Faarooq out with ease, and then Matt tries to throw Jeff out but Jeff hangs on. AND THE SHIRTS ARE OFF!!! Jeff wants to keep his, though, so he ties it around his waste. Now the Hardys mean business and are coming to stiff blows Whisper in the Wind to Matt and both men are down.
#5 is our celebrity entrant, Drew Carey. Drew entered the Rumble to impress Trish Stratus, and is here to promote his Improv Special. In the ring, the Hardys are still fighting. Jeff dropkicks Matt into the ropes (and by dropkicks, I mean misses but Matt sells it). Matt on the apron as Drew enters the ring. Both Hardys are on the apron now, as they head up top. Matt tries to suplex Jeff out, but Jeff drops Matt, and Jeff comes tumbling down. Matt held onto the shirt around Jeff's shirt. DAMN YOU, SHIRT! Drew acts as if he won the damn thing. #6 is....Kane. Drew is fucked. Drew wants help from the referees. He wants the Hardys back in the ring. Kane is in the best shape of his career. Kane stalks the ring and calls upon his hellfire and brimstone. Drew waves, tries to shake hands, and then tries to bribe Kane. Kane grabs Drew by the throat by Raven and his kendo stick are #7. Raven hits Kane with the kendo stick before he can be Chokeslammed. Drew waves goodbye and jumps over the top rope, tail firmly between his legs. Drew cheers on Raven before leaving. Raven gets a fire extinguisher from under the ring as Lawler gets in a ringer; "I bet Kane wishes he had one of those a few times in his life." Al Snow runs out and attacks Raven. The referees don't let Snow in, but the countdown goes off, and Snow dives into the ring, nailing Raven and Kane with a trash can lid. Snow grabs a bowling ball from under the ring, nails Kane in the gut with it, and rolls it right into Raven's nuts. I'm sorry, he THROWS it in there, but eats a boot from Kane. Raven and Snow tee off on Kane's head with dueling trash cans. Double drop toe hold right on the trash can.
#9 is Perry Saturn, Terri right beside him. Saturn attacks Kane on his way in. Everyone tries to get their licks in on Kane but Kane keeps battling them off. Raven hits a sleeper and they're trying to break Kane down, who takes forever to get off his feet. #10 is Steve Blackman, who has his kendo sticks in hand. Blackman takes care of everyone with his sticks but Kane, who kills Blackman's momentum. The weaponry is slowly diminishing from the ring, as Grandmaster Sexay comes in at #11. He grabs a trash can lid and goes to town on everyone in sight. Sexay has nunchuks and attacks Blackman. Kane, though, just WAILS AWAY on EVERYONE with a trash can. He hit Grandmaster Ssxay so hard, he went outside. He tosses Blackman out, but Blackman hangs on until Kane smacks him in the head with a trash can lid. Kane tosses Al Snow, sends Raven to the outside, and takes care of Perry Saturn. Kane is left standing as the buzzer hits. #12 is the Honky Tonk Man! Honky grabs the mic and decides to sing his theme music. He's not even playing guitar; he's a phoney! PHONEY! Kane's had enough and breaks the guitar over Honky's head. Crowd pops for that. Kane shakes his head, "no." And goodbye, Honky Tonk Man.
Timing is great here as we get #13, who is THE ROCK~! Crowd loves that. His nameplate gets "TheRock.com" added to it, lol. Thank goodness they quit that. Rock goes to work on Kane and tries to throw him out but Kane stops that. Big "Rocky" chant from the crowd. Kane works over the Rock until the Goodfather comes out at #14. The Rock is having none of this and slaps the Goodfather to the outside, but meets a right hand from Kane. The Rock mounts a comeback but gets sidewalk slammed. #15 is Tazz, who debuted a year earlier. Unfortunately, that was the peak of his in-ring WWE career. Kane grabs Tazz by the throat, sets him on the turnbuckle, and punches him out of the ring. Kane goes back to work on the Rock. The Rock tries to eliminate Kane but Kane won't let it happen. Samoan drop on Kane! Both men are down, as #16 is about to come out, and it's...Bradshaw! Rock and Bradshaw team up to take down Kane until Bradshaw clotheslines the Rock's head off. Rock hits the spinebuster on Bradshaw but Kane stops him from getting started on the People's Elbow.
#17 is Albert. Bradshaw and Kane team up to knock Albert off his feet until Kane takes down Bradshaw. #18 is Hardcore Holly. He goes to work on Bradshaw before getting knocked down by Kane. Blado Bomb on Bradshaw. Hardcore and Bradshaw try to eliminate the Rock to no avail. I like that no one is saving each other pointlessly in these rumbles. Pump kick by Albert to Kane's chest. #19 is R-Truth during his initial WWE run as K-Kwik. A lot of brawling but some big moves are being hit. The ring isn't quite filled with dead wood but it's getting there as #20 is Val Venis. He does nothing of note as we get a bit more brawling. #21 is William Regal. He drills K-Kwik with some European Uppercuts and knees to the face. Nothing noteworthy is happening as someone needs to come in and clear the ring. #22 is Test, and I have a feeling he's not the man to do it. He goes right after William Regal, and tosses Regal out, before working on his former teammate, Albert. #23 is the Big Show, making his return after a brief absence. And now we might clear the ring a bit. Goodbye Test. See you later K-Kwik. Chokeslam to Albert. Chokeslam to Bradshaw. Chokeslam to Val Venis. Chokeslam to Hardcore Holly. Chokeslam to Kane!! One helluva Chokeslam, too. Only the Rock remains. The Rock goes low to escape the Chokeslam, slaps to the Big Show, and one HUGE slap followed by a clothesline sends the Big Show out!
Big Show is not happy so he takes apart the announce table and pulls the Rock to the outside as Crash Holly enters at #24. Rock takes his Chokeslam, this time through the announcer's table. Everyone finally gets smart and gangs up on Kane. Of course, the Undertaker comes out at #25. This is the American Bad Ass, as he arrives via Motorcycle. He wastes no time getting in the ring as he SAVES Kane from everyone nearly eliminating the big man. Kane and Undertaker look at each other and decide it's time. Goodbye Bradshaw, Crash, Hardcore, Val Venis, and Albert! All in about 7 seconds. Kane and the Undertaker stare at each other, but aren't...going...at it. They walk right up to each other, face to face, but poor Scotty 2 Hotty is number #26. Scotty looks scared shitless. The Undertaker and Kane just WAIT for him. Scotty gets in, hammered by both men. Big boot by Undertaker. Body slam by Kane. And a double Chokeslam on Scotty. Heeeeee's dead. They both grab Scotty by the head and throw him out, as the Rock starts to stir on the outside. #27 is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! The crowd is MOLTEN. I've been waiting to use that one again. ATTACKED FROM BEHIND BY TRIPLE H! Triple H is pissed that Austin cost him his WWF Championship. Triple H beats the hell out of Austin on the outside as the Rock gets back into the ring and fires away at Kane, before he gets stopped by the Undertaker.
Triple H has busted Austin open as the One Billy Gunn returns to the ring at #28. He punches the hell out of Kane and the Undertaker before he gets hit in the throat by Kane. The referees are still trying to pull Hunter off of Austin. Billy Gunn and the Rock continue to get beat up by the Brothers of Destruction as Austin is covered in blood. So you have the Rock and Austin, both going into the final stretch of the Rumble as underdogs. You have Kane and the Undertaker working together. And Rikishi won the chance to be #30 on Raw. #29 is the return of HAKU~! Big afro and all! Haku beats the hell out of the Undertaker but I don't quite think the crowd knows who Haku is. Chops and a headbutt to Kane. Haku ends up being no match for Kane and the Undertaker, but he sure as hell keeps fighting. A whole lot of no selling going on there. Crowd chants for Austin as Billy Gunn gets back in this thing to help fight off Kane. #30 is Rikishi. He's a bad man, you know, doing bad things. Bad looks, prince amongst thieves and crookes. Rikishi goes after Austin on the aisle but Austin is FIGHTING BACK! Austin beats the hell out of Rikishi. Austin takes Haku out! Down to 6. Rikishi superkicks the Undertaker out!! There goes that plan. The Rock fires away at his Samoan brethren, but Rikishi turns the tide. Bonzai drop, but the Rock is up and hits a low blow, and knocks Rikishi to the outside!!
Final four: Kane, Billy Gunn, Stone Cold, and the Rock. Billy Gunn nearly eats a Stunner but Austin eats a Fame-Asser instead. Gunn tries to toss Austin but Austin reverses the momentum and tosses Billy Gunn out! Down to 3. Kane's been in there over 40 minutes, Austin got destroyed by Triple H, and Rock went through a table; anybody's game. The Rock and Austin lock eyes as the crowd loves it, and Austin gets the advantage on Rock...but Rock fires away from the corner! Austin goes down! Rock is stalking Stone Cold...Rock Bottom, but Austin fights out, Stunner! Super flip sell by the Rock! Austin hits a Lou Thesz Press on Kane, but eats slaps from the Rock. Rock Bottom! Rock sends Kane through the ropes and we're left with the Rock and Stone Cold. Austin tries to eliminate the Rock! The Rock fights off, and tries to eliminate Austin! Kane, from behind, and he dumps the Rock!! Austin hangs on, but the Rock is GONE. Kane thinks he's won, but Austin fires away! Austin goes to clothesline Kane out but is caught by the throat; Chokeslam! Kane calls for the end, but Austin goes low. Kane goes to the outside and decides a chair is a good idea. Austin counters with a kick, and Kane drops the chair. Kane picks Austin up, Austin slips out from behind, Stone Cold Stunner! Austin crawls towards the chair. BIG chair shot to the head! Another one! A third one and Kane is against the ropes! Clothesline sends Kane out! Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania! What a great, great Rumble. Only one small dead spot, and at least it led to a firing squad of eliminations. Also, Kane gives a legendary performance in the Rumble, going 53 minutes and 46 seconds, and setting the record for most eliminations in one match at 11. ****3/4
#1 is Jeff Hardy. #2 is Bull Buchanan of the Right to Censor. They waste no time getting started here. 2 minute intervals this year. Jeff hits some high flying moves to get the crowd into it before he gets his head taken off. Bull tries to gorilla press slam Jeff Hardy out, but Jeff rakes the eyes. Bull really struggled with that one. #3 is Matt Hardy! He goes to work on Bull, as the Hardys hit Poetry on Motion before double clotheslining Bull outside. The brothers touch knuckles and then lock up. Crowd doesn't really want to see the Hardys wrestle each other, though, is the problem. But it is the first time they've faced each other, if I recall correctly. Jeff tries to dump Matt, but they pause during the countdown. #4 is Faarooq, who doesn't have much better luck than he did last year. I spoke too soon as Faarooq ran right through the Hardys with a clothesline. Poetry in Motion missteps, and Faarooq catches Jeff, nearly throwing him out. Faarooq tries a Dominator on Matt, but Matt escapes. Twist of Fate, and Jeff nails the Swanton. They toss Faarooq out with ease, and then Matt tries to throw Jeff out but Jeff hangs on. AND THE SHIRTS ARE OFF!!! Jeff wants to keep his, though, so he ties it around his waste. Now the Hardys mean business and are coming to stiff blows Whisper in the Wind to Matt and both men are down.
#5 is our celebrity entrant, Drew Carey. Drew entered the Rumble to impress Trish Stratus, and is here to promote his Improv Special. In the ring, the Hardys are still fighting. Jeff dropkicks Matt into the ropes (and by dropkicks, I mean misses but Matt sells it). Matt on the apron as Drew enters the ring. Both Hardys are on the apron now, as they head up top. Matt tries to suplex Jeff out, but Jeff drops Matt, and Jeff comes tumbling down. Matt held onto the shirt around Jeff's shirt. DAMN YOU, SHIRT! Drew acts as if he won the damn thing. #6 is....Kane. Drew is fucked. Drew wants help from the referees. He wants the Hardys back in the ring. Kane is in the best shape of his career. Kane stalks the ring and calls upon his hellfire and brimstone. Drew waves, tries to shake hands, and then tries to bribe Kane. Kane grabs Drew by the throat by Raven and his kendo stick are #7. Raven hits Kane with the kendo stick before he can be Chokeslammed. Drew waves goodbye and jumps over the top rope, tail firmly between his legs. Drew cheers on Raven before leaving. Raven gets a fire extinguisher from under the ring as Lawler gets in a ringer; "I bet Kane wishes he had one of those a few times in his life." Al Snow runs out and attacks Raven. The referees don't let Snow in, but the countdown goes off, and Snow dives into the ring, nailing Raven and Kane with a trash can lid. Snow grabs a bowling ball from under the ring, nails Kane in the gut with it, and rolls it right into Raven's nuts. I'm sorry, he THROWS it in there, but eats a boot from Kane. Raven and Snow tee off on Kane's head with dueling trash cans. Double drop toe hold right on the trash can.
#9 is Perry Saturn, Terri right beside him. Saturn attacks Kane on his way in. Everyone tries to get their licks in on Kane but Kane keeps battling them off. Raven hits a sleeper and they're trying to break Kane down, who takes forever to get off his feet. #10 is Steve Blackman, who has his kendo sticks in hand. Blackman takes care of everyone with his sticks but Kane, who kills Blackman's momentum. The weaponry is slowly diminishing from the ring, as Grandmaster Sexay comes in at #11. He grabs a trash can lid and goes to town on everyone in sight. Sexay has nunchuks and attacks Blackman. Kane, though, just WAILS AWAY on EVERYONE with a trash can. He hit Grandmaster Ssxay so hard, he went outside. He tosses Blackman out, but Blackman hangs on until Kane smacks him in the head with a trash can lid. Kane tosses Al Snow, sends Raven to the outside, and takes care of Perry Saturn. Kane is left standing as the buzzer hits. #12 is the Honky Tonk Man! Honky grabs the mic and decides to sing his theme music. He's not even playing guitar; he's a phoney! PHONEY! Kane's had enough and breaks the guitar over Honky's head. Crowd pops for that. Kane shakes his head, "no." And goodbye, Honky Tonk Man.
Timing is great here as we get #13, who is THE ROCK~! Crowd loves that. His nameplate gets "TheRock.com" added to it, lol. Thank goodness they quit that. Rock goes to work on Kane and tries to throw him out but Kane stops that. Big "Rocky" chant from the crowd. Kane works over the Rock until the Goodfather comes out at #14. The Rock is having none of this and slaps the Goodfather to the outside, but meets a right hand from Kane. The Rock mounts a comeback but gets sidewalk slammed. #15 is Tazz, who debuted a year earlier. Unfortunately, that was the peak of his in-ring WWE career. Kane grabs Tazz by the throat, sets him on the turnbuckle, and punches him out of the ring. Kane goes back to work on the Rock. The Rock tries to eliminate Kane but Kane won't let it happen. Samoan drop on Kane! Both men are down, as #16 is about to come out, and it's...Bradshaw! Rock and Bradshaw team up to take down Kane until Bradshaw clotheslines the Rock's head off. Rock hits the spinebuster on Bradshaw but Kane stops him from getting started on the People's Elbow.
#17 is Albert. Bradshaw and Kane team up to knock Albert off his feet until Kane takes down Bradshaw. #18 is Hardcore Holly. He goes to work on Bradshaw before getting knocked down by Kane. Blado Bomb on Bradshaw. Hardcore and Bradshaw try to eliminate the Rock to no avail. I like that no one is saving each other pointlessly in these rumbles. Pump kick by Albert to Kane's chest. #19 is R-Truth during his initial WWE run as K-Kwik. A lot of brawling but some big moves are being hit. The ring isn't quite filled with dead wood but it's getting there as #20 is Val Venis. He does nothing of note as we get a bit more brawling. #21 is William Regal. He drills K-Kwik with some European Uppercuts and knees to the face. Nothing noteworthy is happening as someone needs to come in and clear the ring. #22 is Test, and I have a feeling he's not the man to do it. He goes right after William Regal, and tosses Regal out, before working on his former teammate, Albert. #23 is the Big Show, making his return after a brief absence. And now we might clear the ring a bit. Goodbye Test. See you later K-Kwik. Chokeslam to Albert. Chokeslam to Bradshaw. Chokeslam to Val Venis. Chokeslam to Hardcore Holly. Chokeslam to Kane!! One helluva Chokeslam, too. Only the Rock remains. The Rock goes low to escape the Chokeslam, slaps to the Big Show, and one HUGE slap followed by a clothesline sends the Big Show out!
Big Show is not happy so he takes apart the announce table and pulls the Rock to the outside as Crash Holly enters at #24. Rock takes his Chokeslam, this time through the announcer's table. Everyone finally gets smart and gangs up on Kane. Of course, the Undertaker comes out at #25. This is the American Bad Ass, as he arrives via Motorcycle. He wastes no time getting in the ring as he SAVES Kane from everyone nearly eliminating the big man. Kane and Undertaker look at each other and decide it's time. Goodbye Bradshaw, Crash, Hardcore, Val Venis, and Albert! All in about 7 seconds. Kane and the Undertaker stare at each other, but aren't...going...at it. They walk right up to each other, face to face, but poor Scotty 2 Hotty is number #26. Scotty looks scared shitless. The Undertaker and Kane just WAIT for him. Scotty gets in, hammered by both men. Big boot by Undertaker. Body slam by Kane. And a double Chokeslam on Scotty. Heeeeee's dead. They both grab Scotty by the head and throw him out, as the Rock starts to stir on the outside. #27 is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! The crowd is MOLTEN. I've been waiting to use that one again. ATTACKED FROM BEHIND BY TRIPLE H! Triple H is pissed that Austin cost him his WWF Championship. Triple H beats the hell out of Austin on the outside as the Rock gets back into the ring and fires away at Kane, before he gets stopped by the Undertaker.
Triple H has busted Austin open as the One Billy Gunn returns to the ring at #28. He punches the hell out of Kane and the Undertaker before he gets hit in the throat by Kane. The referees are still trying to pull Hunter off of Austin. Billy Gunn and the Rock continue to get beat up by the Brothers of Destruction as Austin is covered in blood. So you have the Rock and Austin, both going into the final stretch of the Rumble as underdogs. You have Kane and the Undertaker working together. And Rikishi won the chance to be #30 on Raw. #29 is the return of HAKU~! Big afro and all! Haku beats the hell out of the Undertaker but I don't quite think the crowd knows who Haku is. Chops and a headbutt to Kane. Haku ends up being no match for Kane and the Undertaker, but he sure as hell keeps fighting. A whole lot of no selling going on there. Crowd chants for Austin as Billy Gunn gets back in this thing to help fight off Kane. #30 is Rikishi. He's a bad man, you know, doing bad things. Bad looks, prince amongst thieves and crookes. Rikishi goes after Austin on the aisle but Austin is FIGHTING BACK! Austin beats the hell out of Rikishi. Austin takes Haku out! Down to 6. Rikishi superkicks the Undertaker out!! There goes that plan. The Rock fires away at his Samoan brethren, but Rikishi turns the tide. Bonzai drop, but the Rock is up and hits a low blow, and knocks Rikishi to the outside!!
Final four: Kane, Billy Gunn, Stone Cold, and the Rock. Billy Gunn nearly eats a Stunner but Austin eats a Fame-Asser instead. Gunn tries to toss Austin but Austin reverses the momentum and tosses Billy Gunn out! Down to 3. Kane's been in there over 40 minutes, Austin got destroyed by Triple H, and Rock went through a table; anybody's game. The Rock and Austin lock eyes as the crowd loves it, and Austin gets the advantage on Rock...but Rock fires away from the corner! Austin goes down! Rock is stalking Stone Cold...Rock Bottom, but Austin fights out, Stunner! Super flip sell by the Rock! Austin hits a Lou Thesz Press on Kane, but eats slaps from the Rock. Rock Bottom! Rock sends Kane through the ropes and we're left with the Rock and Stone Cold. Austin tries to eliminate the Rock! The Rock fights off, and tries to eliminate Austin! Kane, from behind, and he dumps the Rock!! Austin hangs on, but the Rock is GONE. Kane thinks he's won, but Austin fires away! Austin goes to clothesline Kane out but is caught by the throat; Chokeslam! Kane calls for the end, but Austin goes low. Kane goes to the outside and decides a chair is a good idea. Austin counters with a kick, and Kane drops the chair. Kane picks Austin up, Austin slips out from behind, Stone Cold Stunner! Austin crawls towards the chair. BIG chair shot to the head! Another one! A third one and Kane is against the ropes! Clothesline sends Kane out! Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania! What a great, great Rumble. Only one small dead spot, and at least it led to a firing squad of eliminations. Also, Kane gives a legendary performance in the Rumble, going 53 minutes and 46 seconds, and setting the record for most eliminations in one match at 11. ****3/4
2000 Royal Rumbleo hi
Ahh, this is more like it. #1 is D-Lo Brown, and #2 is Grandmaster Sexay. Lawler looks distraught. "Some say he got a bad break at birth, but that's only a rumor." - JR. 2 Cool was largely over at this point, but it was mainly Rikishi. D-Lo had himself a nice spot in the mid-card. Still, not the most exciting two participants. Some back and forth action as Sexay belts out an obnoxious laugh. #3 is Headbanger Mosh, complete with road cone-looking boobs. Except they're green and black. The Headbangers just got weirder and weirder. Taka Michinoku and Funaki of Kaientai run out, mad because they're not in the Rumble, but are quickly dumped out. D-Lo hits the Sky High on Mosh, which is one of my favorite moves, knocking the cones off Mosh. #4 is Christian. Christian gets a good pop as this was a couple months before Edge and Christian turned heel and REALLY hit their stride. Nothing much happens, and the crowd isn't THAT into it yet, but #5 is Rikishi and the crowd loves him. Rikishi super kicks Mosh and launches him over the top. Christian eats a side belly-to-belly suplex and is launched out. D-Lo on the offense, hits a running neckbreaker and the shakey shakey leg drop on Rikishi. Rikishi no-sells it, and hits a Rikishi Driver on D-Lo. Goodbye D-Lo.
We're down to Rikishi and his partner in crime, Grandmaster Sexay. And just in time, #6 is Scotty 2 Hotty. He runs out to calm Rikishi down before he can destroy Grandmaster. THEY HAVE THE SUNGLASSES!! I totally forgot that the sunglasses made Rikishi transform into a dancing fool. Crowd is eating this up. 2 Cool stops the Rumble to dance. But of course, this is the Royal Rumble, so Rikishi clotheslines 2 Cool and eliminates them from the Rumble. Rikishi just shrugs. They all make up, and Rikishi keeps dancing by himself. Back to super serious business as #7 is Steve Blackman. 2000 would turn out to be the biggest year in Steve Blackman's career. Actually, most mid-card guys had their biggest year in 2000, which is why 2000 was so good. EVERYONE had a feud. Rikishi derails Blackman's momentum and tosses him out. #8 is Viscera, and we get the face off. Back and forth blows between the two, but Viscera hits a side belly-to-belly suplex on Rikishi. Big leg drop follows. Viscera splashes Rikishi in the corner, tries again and misses. THREE superkicks and Viscera is still down. Shoulder block sends him into the ropes, and Rikishi shoves Viscera over!
No time to waste, #9 comes down, and it's the Big Boss Man. Boss Man had quite the career resurgence upon returning to the WWE. He had a solid (if completely ridiculous) feud with Big Show and became a strong heel. Boss Man is hesitant to get in the ring. Boss Man circles and FLICKS RIKISHI OFF! He climbs down and decides to wait for another entrant, which is pretty smart. Unfortunately for the Boss Man, #10 is Test, who attacks Boss Man on the outside. Test hadn't turned heel just yet, but he's smart enough to attack Rikishi. Boss Man goes back to Test as we get the British Buldog at #11. Bulldog had a little main event run when he came back to the WWE, but could never reach the heights he was once at. I blame the jeans. Everyone brawls around, and we get Gangrel at #12. He's greeted by Test, but Kaientai is back in the ring. Funaki goes out, and Taka gets fucking HAULED over the top. I'm not sure if that was the elimination that knocked Taka silly. Yep, bounced his head off the outside. #13 is Edge, who the crowd clearly favored just a little more than Christian. The Bulldog tries to eliminate Edge who utilizes the eye poke to save himself. BONZAI DROP ON THE BOSS MAN! #14 is BOB BACKLUND! Big pop for that. Unfortunately, he gets attacked by...well pretty much everyone. They throw Rikishi at him in the corner but he moves. Every teams up to dump Rikishi. One side of the ring is a few old school guys (Boss Man, Bulldog, Backlund) and on the opposite side of the ring is the new class (Test, Gangrel, and Edge).
#15 is the Undisputed Intercontinental Champion, CHRIS JERICHO! It's his first Rumble and he dropkicks Bob Backlund out. Edge and Jericho go at it, which is interesting to watch considering they were a main event attraction at Wrestlemania 10 years later. Which, Edge won the Rumble in 2010, and did eliminate Chris Jericho. Backlund goes through the crowd to leave? #16 is Crash Holly, who gets SPANKED by Edge. Literally, spanked. Okay then. #17 is Chyna in her second Royal Rumble appearance. She goes through Test to get to Chris Jericho, upset she's no longer the Intercontinental Champion. Jericho tries to dump Chyna but she hangs on. Chyna suplexes Jericho out! The Boss Man knocks Chyna off the apron! Shame...about Jericho, not Chyna. #18 is Faarooq. Here comes the Mean Street Posse! Another group of guys pissed about not being in the Rumble. They attack Faarooq and leave, so Faarooq is easy pickings for the Boss Man, who tosses him out.
Lawler keeps picking the Rock to come out, but #19 is the Road Dogg. Crowd sings along with his theme music even though there are no words. The Boss Man punches him in the nuts to slow him down. #20 is Al Snow. The people in here who did or ended up feuding over the Hardcore Championship is insane; Road Dogg, Boss Man, Crash, Test, Bulldog, Al Snow. Well, there's one less as the Road Dogg tosses out the British Bulldog. #21 is Val Venis. He and Test start going at it with fist and fire. FUNAKI IS BACK! There goes Funaki. Taka was taken to the hospital. Road Dogg is just vining his legs and arms around the bottom rope, even though no one is attacking him, just to stay in. #22 is Albert. Val Venis and Al Snow simultaneously backdrop Edge out. #23 is Hardcore Holly, who failed to win the Intercontinental Championship earlier tonight. He, as well, goes after Test. Test must have pissed some people off, earlier. Or, he's been in there the longest (next to Boss Man) and is easy pickings.
#24 is THE ROCK~! The crowd...um...LOVES The Rock. There goes the Boss Man! Test and Val Venis team up to attempt an elimination on the Rock but they fail. #25 is Mr. Ass, Billy Gunn. He goes after the Rock, who must still be sore about getting humiliated as the 1999 Summerslam event. Crash goes for the Rock but gets DDT'd and thrown out. #26 is the Big Show. I don't know why the theme of the 2000 Royal Rumble was lower case letters. Big Show looks strange with long hair. Rock goes right after him but Big Show runs over, kicks Test in the back of the head, which sends him over the top. Gangrel is quick to follow to the outside. Now the Big Show wants the Rock. Big Show gorilla press slams Hardcore Holly like he was NOTHING. #27 is Bradshaw, who goes right after the Road Dogg. The Mean Street Posse is back out, but Bradshaw has better luck, and takes all three of them out. The New Age Outlaws run up from behind and eliminate Bradshaw, though. Faarooq comes back out and the Acolytes beat up the Posse on the ramp.
#28 is Kane. Man, I love Kane's old theme music. Tori is still with Kane at this point. Val Venis greets Kane but Kane grabs him by the throat and tosses him out. Big Show gorilla press slams Billy Gunn, again, like he was nothing. #29 is the Godfather, along with the Ho Train, as Kane clotheslines Albert out. AND HERE COMES FUNAKI!!! Funaki is, again, thrown out by Al Snow. Which is probably Al Snow's only elimination. Lawler wants to see Taka Michinoku eliminated AGAIN, which is pretty fucked up considering it sent Taka to the hospital. #30 is X-Pac. Ha! I was wrong; Al Snow eliminated Hardcore Holly. Big Show clotheslines the Godfather over. The Rock takes out Al Snow. Now we have three D-X m...nevermind! Billy Gunn tossed Road Dog over! Kane eliminates Billy Gunn!
Final four: Big Show, the Rock, Kane, and X-Pac. Kane goes under the ropes as the Outlaws beat him up on the outside. Rock swats away a spinning heel kick from X-Pac and sends him over the top. X-Pac gets back into the ring to be a pain in the ass...nope, nevermind, the referee's never saw X-Pac eliminated. Kane is back in the ring. Kane hits an enziguri on Big Show! BODY SLAM ON BIG SHOW! But X-Pac hits a spinning heel kick on Kane to send him to the outside. Bronco Buster on Big Show! Big Show no sells it, and gorilla press slams X-Pac ALL THE WAY to the outside. ROCK AND SHOW! ROCK AND SHOW! SPINEBUSTER! Here comes the most eeeelectrifying move in Sports Entertainment 10 years ago...the People's Elbow! Rock tries to toss Big Show over and but Big Show stops in his tracks and Chokeslams the Rock. Big Show hoists Rock up on his shoulder and goes to throw him out, but the Rock hangs on the ropes and Big Show goes over the top!! Rock wins! It was later revealed that Rock's feet actually hit the ground, if I'm not mistaken, but the Rock is in the record books as the winner. Um, not as good as I remembered it. A lot of nothing going on in this one, and much like the Hogan matches, there was really only one person who could win this thing. Not even a hot finish. **3/4
We're down to Rikishi and his partner in crime, Grandmaster Sexay. And just in time, #6 is Scotty 2 Hotty. He runs out to calm Rikishi down before he can destroy Grandmaster. THEY HAVE THE SUNGLASSES!! I totally forgot that the sunglasses made Rikishi transform into a dancing fool. Crowd is eating this up. 2 Cool stops the Rumble to dance. But of course, this is the Royal Rumble, so Rikishi clotheslines 2 Cool and eliminates them from the Rumble. Rikishi just shrugs. They all make up, and Rikishi keeps dancing by himself. Back to super serious business as #7 is Steve Blackman. 2000 would turn out to be the biggest year in Steve Blackman's career. Actually, most mid-card guys had their biggest year in 2000, which is why 2000 was so good. EVERYONE had a feud. Rikishi derails Blackman's momentum and tosses him out. #8 is Viscera, and we get the face off. Back and forth blows between the two, but Viscera hits a side belly-to-belly suplex on Rikishi. Big leg drop follows. Viscera splashes Rikishi in the corner, tries again and misses. THREE superkicks and Viscera is still down. Shoulder block sends him into the ropes, and Rikishi shoves Viscera over!
No time to waste, #9 comes down, and it's the Big Boss Man. Boss Man had quite the career resurgence upon returning to the WWE. He had a solid (if completely ridiculous) feud with Big Show and became a strong heel. Boss Man is hesitant to get in the ring. Boss Man circles and FLICKS RIKISHI OFF! He climbs down and decides to wait for another entrant, which is pretty smart. Unfortunately for the Boss Man, #10 is Test, who attacks Boss Man on the outside. Test hadn't turned heel just yet, but he's smart enough to attack Rikishi. Boss Man goes back to Test as we get the British Buldog at #11. Bulldog had a little main event run when he came back to the WWE, but could never reach the heights he was once at. I blame the jeans. Everyone brawls around, and we get Gangrel at #12. He's greeted by Test, but Kaientai is back in the ring. Funaki goes out, and Taka gets fucking HAULED over the top. I'm not sure if that was the elimination that knocked Taka silly. Yep, bounced his head off the outside. #13 is Edge, who the crowd clearly favored just a little more than Christian. The Bulldog tries to eliminate Edge who utilizes the eye poke to save himself. BONZAI DROP ON THE BOSS MAN! #14 is BOB BACKLUND! Big pop for that. Unfortunately, he gets attacked by...well pretty much everyone. They throw Rikishi at him in the corner but he moves. Every teams up to dump Rikishi. One side of the ring is a few old school guys (Boss Man, Bulldog, Backlund) and on the opposite side of the ring is the new class (Test, Gangrel, and Edge).
#15 is the Undisputed Intercontinental Champion, CHRIS JERICHO! It's his first Rumble and he dropkicks Bob Backlund out. Edge and Jericho go at it, which is interesting to watch considering they were a main event attraction at Wrestlemania 10 years later. Which, Edge won the Rumble in 2010, and did eliminate Chris Jericho. Backlund goes through the crowd to leave? #16 is Crash Holly, who gets SPANKED by Edge. Literally, spanked. Okay then. #17 is Chyna in her second Royal Rumble appearance. She goes through Test to get to Chris Jericho, upset she's no longer the Intercontinental Champion. Jericho tries to dump Chyna but she hangs on. Chyna suplexes Jericho out! The Boss Man knocks Chyna off the apron! Shame...about Jericho, not Chyna. #18 is Faarooq. Here comes the Mean Street Posse! Another group of guys pissed about not being in the Rumble. They attack Faarooq and leave, so Faarooq is easy pickings for the Boss Man, who tosses him out.
Lawler keeps picking the Rock to come out, but #19 is the Road Dogg. Crowd sings along with his theme music even though there are no words. The Boss Man punches him in the nuts to slow him down. #20 is Al Snow. The people in here who did or ended up feuding over the Hardcore Championship is insane; Road Dogg, Boss Man, Crash, Test, Bulldog, Al Snow. Well, there's one less as the Road Dogg tosses out the British Bulldog. #21 is Val Venis. He and Test start going at it with fist and fire. FUNAKI IS BACK! There goes Funaki. Taka was taken to the hospital. Road Dogg is just vining his legs and arms around the bottom rope, even though no one is attacking him, just to stay in. #22 is Albert. Val Venis and Al Snow simultaneously backdrop Edge out. #23 is Hardcore Holly, who failed to win the Intercontinental Championship earlier tonight. He, as well, goes after Test. Test must have pissed some people off, earlier. Or, he's been in there the longest (next to Boss Man) and is easy pickings.
#24 is THE ROCK~! The crowd...um...LOVES The Rock. There goes the Boss Man! Test and Val Venis team up to attempt an elimination on the Rock but they fail. #25 is Mr. Ass, Billy Gunn. He goes after the Rock, who must still be sore about getting humiliated as the 1999 Summerslam event. Crash goes for the Rock but gets DDT'd and thrown out. #26 is the Big Show. I don't know why the theme of the 2000 Royal Rumble was lower case letters. Big Show looks strange with long hair. Rock goes right after him but Big Show runs over, kicks Test in the back of the head, which sends him over the top. Gangrel is quick to follow to the outside. Now the Big Show wants the Rock. Big Show gorilla press slams Hardcore Holly like he was NOTHING. #27 is Bradshaw, who goes right after the Road Dogg. The Mean Street Posse is back out, but Bradshaw has better luck, and takes all three of them out. The New Age Outlaws run up from behind and eliminate Bradshaw, though. Faarooq comes back out and the Acolytes beat up the Posse on the ramp.
#28 is Kane. Man, I love Kane's old theme music. Tori is still with Kane at this point. Val Venis greets Kane but Kane grabs him by the throat and tosses him out. Big Show gorilla press slams Billy Gunn, again, like he was nothing. #29 is the Godfather, along with the Ho Train, as Kane clotheslines Albert out. AND HERE COMES FUNAKI!!! Funaki is, again, thrown out by Al Snow. Which is probably Al Snow's only elimination. Lawler wants to see Taka Michinoku eliminated AGAIN, which is pretty fucked up considering it sent Taka to the hospital. #30 is X-Pac. Ha! I was wrong; Al Snow eliminated Hardcore Holly. Big Show clotheslines the Godfather over. The Rock takes out Al Snow. Now we have three D-X m...nevermind! Billy Gunn tossed Road Dog over! Kane eliminates Billy Gunn!
Final four: Big Show, the Rock, Kane, and X-Pac. Kane goes under the ropes as the Outlaws beat him up on the outside. Rock swats away a spinning heel kick from X-Pac and sends him over the top. X-Pac gets back into the ring to be a pain in the ass...nope, nevermind, the referee's never saw X-Pac eliminated. Kane is back in the ring. Kane hits an enziguri on Big Show! BODY SLAM ON BIG SHOW! But X-Pac hits a spinning heel kick on Kane to send him to the outside. Bronco Buster on Big Show! Big Show no sells it, and gorilla press slams X-Pac ALL THE WAY to the outside. ROCK AND SHOW! ROCK AND SHOW! SPINEBUSTER! Here comes the most eeeelectrifying move in Sports Entertainment 10 years ago...the People's Elbow! Rock tries to toss Big Show over and but Big Show stops in his tracks and Chokeslams the Rock. Big Show hoists Rock up on his shoulder and goes to throw him out, but the Rock hangs on the ropes and Big Show goes over the top!! Rock wins! It was later revealed that Rock's feet actually hit the ground, if I'm not mistaken, but the Rock is in the record books as the winner. Um, not as good as I remembered it. A lot of nothing going on in this one, and much like the Hogan matches, there was really only one person who could win this thing. Not even a hot finish. **3/4
Sunday, January 23, 2011
1999 Royal Rumble
DUD.
No, seriously, this Rumble sucks. Least favorite Rumble, ever. This match is basically Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon in an hour long match, with a bunch of other guys to play filler. Steve Austin is number 1 in the Rumble, drawn by Vince himself, and puts a $100,000 bounty on Austin's head. Vince put himself at number 30 until Shawn Michaels, the Commissioner at the time, told Vince he's number 2. Austin drives a monster truck into the arena, crushing four conveniently parked cars that were more or less in the middle of the road. How about that? Then Vince slapped Austin on Heat, so...it's pretty much on.
Howard Finkel takes about 20 minutes to explain the rules. #1 is, of course, Stone Cold Steve Austin. #2 is, in his wrestling debut, Vince McMahon, who is fucking JACKED. The bell rings and Austin destroys Vince, and the crowd loves it. Austin goes to toss Vince, but stops, and clotheslines him instead. #3 is GOLGA~! Earthquake, under a mask, with a love of Cartman. Golga attacks Austin during a Lou Thesz Press, which the crowd hates. He tries to toss Austin but Austin reverses it and tosses Golga out. Vince goes under the bottom rope and into the crowd so Austin goes after him. They disappear into the background, so there is NO ONE in the ring for the crowd. #4 is someone from LOD as we see Austin and Vince go into the bathroom. The Corporation is hiding in the bathroom (lolwut) and attacks Austin. We lost the camera, and Droz is in the ring. By himself. Doing nothing. So now the ONLY PERSON that they have built up to win the Rumble, is out of the ring, but not eliminated. So why should anyone in the crowd care?
#5 is Edge who tries to get the crowd riled up, but they just want Austin. The announcers just seem interested in Austin and Vince, too. Poor Froz and Edge have the horrible task of getting the crowd into it, but just can't. #6 is Gillberg, who the crowd DOES seem to enjoy. Gillberg is of course, the skinny joke version of Goldberg, who is the longest reigning Light Heavyweight Champion. He was pretty much awesome. He goes to pose on the ropes so Edge shoves him over. But the crowd does love Gillberg. In the ladies restroom (lolwut), Austin is dead on the ground. #7 is Steve Blackman. And we cut to the back to check on Austin, who is getting stretchered out. We get a little bit of in-ring action before switching back to Austin getting strapped to the gurney. #8 is the BEAST, Dan Severn. Severn and Blackman go at it, but the crowd doesn't care. So we see Austin being stretchered out of the arena as everyone in the lobby chants for Austin. And there goes Austin, into the ambulance. Who the hell are the fans outside? #9 is Tiger Ali Singh, as the names just get bigger and bigger...so we see Austin getting wheeled into the ambulance for good this time. Cole is brokenhearted. Lawler loves it. #10 is the Blue Meanie, as we're reallllly getting to the bottom of the barrel now. He's even in the J.O.B. Squad at this point a big inside joke. Crowd pops for his dancing, though. But only slightly.
#11 is...nobody. We go to the back as some big mammoth attacks Mosh. And it's Mabel, who came out earlier with a mask on. But he's all dressed in black here, with a skinny black mohawk. This is, for all intents and purposes, the debut of Viscera, just not by name. Viscera gets rid of Severn, Blackman, and Tiger Ali Singh immediate. Another entrant is coming out, rather quickly. And it's the Road Dogg, and the crowd finally gets into it. Droz and the Blue Meanie are tossed by Viscera, so Edge goes low to stop him...and attacks Road Dogg. Road Dogg tries to backdrop Edge out, but Edge hangs on, so Road Dogg pulls a Charlie Haas to Edge's Lillian Garcia and takes Edge out. The lights go out, and the Acolytes and Mideon (Phinneus Godwinn) attack Viscera up the ramp, where the Undertaker is to recruit/"sacrifice" Mabel. They beat the hell out of Viscera to the back, and now Road Dogg is left in the ring by himself. #13 is Gangrel. Gangrel beats up the Road Dogg, but is quickly tossed out. So we have the Road Dogg by himself. Again. At least the crowd likes him.
#14 is Kurrgan, who was an Oddity at this point. Leather hat on, tye dyed pants and shirt...what a look. Nothing good comes of this interaction, but Al Snow is #15. Al Snow is a little bit crazier here, as Goldust stole "Head" a couple weeks prior. Road Dogg tosses Al Snow as we get out thrilling continuation of Road Dogg vs. Kurrgan. #16 is Goldust...now wouldn't it have been a good idea to keep Al Snow in here for Goldust? But I digress. And Road Dogg takes control, and dominates Goldust and...Kurrgan. Okay then. They decide to team up against Road Dogg. Kurrgan holds Road Dogg and Goldust punches him in the nuts. That's pretty direct. #17 is the Godfather. #18 is Kane. Kane LAUNCHES the Road Dogg out, then Kurrgan, then the Godfather, and then Goldust. So we're left with KANE alone in the ring now. So much dead time. But the crowd loves Kane, who recently turned face due to not laying down for the Rock. A bunch of guys in white come out with a restraining jacket to bring Kane back to the institution, so Kane beats a couple up, and chases the rest away. He goes over the top rope, too, btw. So we have NOBODY in the ring.
#19 is...WAIT, Vince has stepped back into the ring. And #19 is Corporation's Ken Shamrock. Mr. McMahon goes on commentary as Shamrock does jack shit. #20 is Billy Gunn, who lost to Ken Shamrock in an Intercontinental Championship match earlier. Shamrock hurt Billy Gunn's ankle, so he hops to the ring, wearing only one boot. Gunn tosses Shamrock, but Shamrock hangs on and attacks the ankle. #21 is Test, also of the Corporation. Outside, they're still beating up Mabel and they shove him into a hearse. Okay then. Uh oh, an ambulance is on its way back as Vince looks like he shit himself. It's Austin driving the ambulance. Let's just not ask questions. Austin's walking to the ring and Vince is speechless. Billy Gunn hit both Corporation members in the nuts and clotheslines them both. And here's Austin. #22 is right behind him, as Austin chases Vince around the ring. The announcers don't even acknowledge who #22 is. Vince slides in the ring so Shamrock attacks Austin, but Austin takes Shamrock out. #22 ends up being the Big Boss Man, another Corporation member. Vince is back on commentary. #23 is Triple H, who the crowd is hot for. But he wasn't a main eventer yet and had no chance of winning. Hunter battles Test, and if only they knew what would happen by the end of 1999. Billy Gunn goes for Austin and the crowd hates him for it. The only time the crowd reacts is when something happens to or by Austin.
#24 is Val Venis. Austin tosses Billy Gunn out. #25 is X-Pac, who is apparently, the lightest Royal Rumble participant, EVER. He's also the European Champion, which is worth jack shit. Cole tells us that Val Venis could do a lot with $100,000. I'm sure he's the only one. #26 is Mark Henry. Cole tells us that Mark can do a lot with $100,000 for the ladies. Lawler tells us, "Sammie was a man!" Vince replies, "well, uh, that was a mistake..." Yeah, no shit. #27 is Jeff Jarrett. I'm hoping Cole tells us that Jeff can do a lot with $100,000 for Debra. Jeff has no real direction but winds up stomping on Austin with the Big Valbowski. You know what...that was a great nickname for the time. Problem is, no long term value in it due to the fact that it's topical. Bronco Buster for the Boss Man in the corner. #28 is D-Lo Brown, led to the ring by PMS, who is Jacqueline and Terri Runnels. Terri blames D-Lo for losing her baby, which ended up not being true. Lawler tells us that THEY can spend the $100,000. Austin tosses out Test. The Boss Man tosses out X-Pac. #29 is...Triple H tosses out Jeff Jarrett...which is a shame because here comes Owen Hart with his AWESOME "Enough is Enough" t-shirt. Owen goes right for Austin as the announcers fail to mention their history. Austin rolls out of the ring to drink water and throws the rest in Vince's face.
#30 is the first woman to join the Royal Ruble, and it's Chyna. Crowd likes that. Chyna attacks Mark Henry for lying about fucking her. So she tosses him out. And she turns around right into a clothesline from Austin, who sends her to the outside. Pedigree to Austin from Hunter...but Val Venis saved Austin for no discernable reas...OH, now he attacks Austin because he wants the money. Shit, that made sense. Triple H tosses Val. Triple H eats a Stunner and is clotheslined out.
Final four: Steve Austin, Big Boss Man, D-Lo Brown, and Owen Hart. Well, final five...Vince is still in this thing. Owen drills Austin with an enziguri. He charges at Austin in the corner but Austin backdrops him out. D-Lo hits the Lo-Down on Austin, but the Boss Man tosses him, and then eats a Stunner. Austin clotheslines the Boss Man out! The crowd loves that as Vince is about to piss himself...or cry. It's just like the 1995 Royal Rumble all over again! Austin dives for Vince but Vince hits Austin in the head. Austin no-sells and beats up Vince. Austin smacks Vince in the head with a chair on the outside. Vince hits a low blow on Austin in the ring. But it's for nothing as Vince eats a Stunner. Austin drags this on even longer and hits an elbow from the middle turnbuckle. HERE COMES THE ROCK! The Rock distracts, so Austin, like an idiot, wants the Rock in the ring. Rock gets up on the apron and tangles with Austin, and Vince sneaks up from behind and dumps Austin to win the 1999 Royal Rumble. I cannot express enough how shitty this Rumble is, but we'll go with 1/2*.
No, seriously, this Rumble sucks. Least favorite Rumble, ever. This match is basically Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon in an hour long match, with a bunch of other guys to play filler. Steve Austin is number 1 in the Rumble, drawn by Vince himself, and puts a $100,000 bounty on Austin's head. Vince put himself at number 30 until Shawn Michaels, the Commissioner at the time, told Vince he's number 2. Austin drives a monster truck into the arena, crushing four conveniently parked cars that were more or less in the middle of the road. How about that? Then Vince slapped Austin on Heat, so...it's pretty much on.
Howard Finkel takes about 20 minutes to explain the rules. #1 is, of course, Stone Cold Steve Austin. #2 is, in his wrestling debut, Vince McMahon, who is fucking JACKED. The bell rings and Austin destroys Vince, and the crowd loves it. Austin goes to toss Vince, but stops, and clotheslines him instead. #3 is GOLGA~! Earthquake, under a mask, with a love of Cartman. Golga attacks Austin during a Lou Thesz Press, which the crowd hates. He tries to toss Austin but Austin reverses it and tosses Golga out. Vince goes under the bottom rope and into the crowd so Austin goes after him. They disappear into the background, so there is NO ONE in the ring for the crowd. #4 is someone from LOD as we see Austin and Vince go into the bathroom. The Corporation is hiding in the bathroom (lolwut) and attacks Austin. We lost the camera, and Droz is in the ring. By himself. Doing nothing. So now the ONLY PERSON that they have built up to win the Rumble, is out of the ring, but not eliminated. So why should anyone in the crowd care?
#5 is Edge who tries to get the crowd riled up, but they just want Austin. The announcers just seem interested in Austin and Vince, too. Poor Froz and Edge have the horrible task of getting the crowd into it, but just can't. #6 is Gillberg, who the crowd DOES seem to enjoy. Gillberg is of course, the skinny joke version of Goldberg, who is the longest reigning Light Heavyweight Champion. He was pretty much awesome. He goes to pose on the ropes so Edge shoves him over. But the crowd does love Gillberg. In the ladies restroom (lolwut), Austin is dead on the ground. #7 is Steve Blackman. And we cut to the back to check on Austin, who is getting stretchered out. We get a little bit of in-ring action before switching back to Austin getting strapped to the gurney. #8 is the BEAST, Dan Severn. Severn and Blackman go at it, but the crowd doesn't care. So we see Austin being stretchered out of the arena as everyone in the lobby chants for Austin. And there goes Austin, into the ambulance. Who the hell are the fans outside? #9 is Tiger Ali Singh, as the names just get bigger and bigger...so we see Austin getting wheeled into the ambulance for good this time. Cole is brokenhearted. Lawler loves it. #10 is the Blue Meanie, as we're reallllly getting to the bottom of the barrel now. He's even in the J.O.B. Squad at this point a big inside joke. Crowd pops for his dancing, though. But only slightly.
#11 is...nobody. We go to the back as some big mammoth attacks Mosh. And it's Mabel, who came out earlier with a mask on. But he's all dressed in black here, with a skinny black mohawk. This is, for all intents and purposes, the debut of Viscera, just not by name. Viscera gets rid of Severn, Blackman, and Tiger Ali Singh immediate. Another entrant is coming out, rather quickly. And it's the Road Dogg, and the crowd finally gets into it. Droz and the Blue Meanie are tossed by Viscera, so Edge goes low to stop him...and attacks Road Dogg. Road Dogg tries to backdrop Edge out, but Edge hangs on, so Road Dogg pulls a Charlie Haas to Edge's Lillian Garcia and takes Edge out. The lights go out, and the Acolytes and Mideon (Phinneus Godwinn) attack Viscera up the ramp, where the Undertaker is to recruit/"sacrifice" Mabel. They beat the hell out of Viscera to the back, and now Road Dogg is left in the ring by himself. #13 is Gangrel. Gangrel beats up the Road Dogg, but is quickly tossed out. So we have the Road Dogg by himself. Again. At least the crowd likes him.
#14 is Kurrgan, who was an Oddity at this point. Leather hat on, tye dyed pants and shirt...what a look. Nothing good comes of this interaction, but Al Snow is #15. Al Snow is a little bit crazier here, as Goldust stole "Head" a couple weeks prior. Road Dogg tosses Al Snow as we get out thrilling continuation of Road Dogg vs. Kurrgan. #16 is Goldust...now wouldn't it have been a good idea to keep Al Snow in here for Goldust? But I digress. And Road Dogg takes control, and dominates Goldust and...Kurrgan. Okay then. They decide to team up against Road Dogg. Kurrgan holds Road Dogg and Goldust punches him in the nuts. That's pretty direct. #17 is the Godfather. #18 is Kane. Kane LAUNCHES the Road Dogg out, then Kurrgan, then the Godfather, and then Goldust. So we're left with KANE alone in the ring now. So much dead time. But the crowd loves Kane, who recently turned face due to not laying down for the Rock. A bunch of guys in white come out with a restraining jacket to bring Kane back to the institution, so Kane beats a couple up, and chases the rest away. He goes over the top rope, too, btw. So we have NOBODY in the ring.
#19 is...WAIT, Vince has stepped back into the ring. And #19 is Corporation's Ken Shamrock. Mr. McMahon goes on commentary as Shamrock does jack shit. #20 is Billy Gunn, who lost to Ken Shamrock in an Intercontinental Championship match earlier. Shamrock hurt Billy Gunn's ankle, so he hops to the ring, wearing only one boot. Gunn tosses Shamrock, but Shamrock hangs on and attacks the ankle. #21 is Test, also of the Corporation. Outside, they're still beating up Mabel and they shove him into a hearse. Okay then. Uh oh, an ambulance is on its way back as Vince looks like he shit himself. It's Austin driving the ambulance. Let's just not ask questions. Austin's walking to the ring and Vince is speechless. Billy Gunn hit both Corporation members in the nuts and clotheslines them both. And here's Austin. #22 is right behind him, as Austin chases Vince around the ring. The announcers don't even acknowledge who #22 is. Vince slides in the ring so Shamrock attacks Austin, but Austin takes Shamrock out. #22 ends up being the Big Boss Man, another Corporation member. Vince is back on commentary. #23 is Triple H, who the crowd is hot for. But he wasn't a main eventer yet and had no chance of winning. Hunter battles Test, and if only they knew what would happen by the end of 1999. Billy Gunn goes for Austin and the crowd hates him for it. The only time the crowd reacts is when something happens to or by Austin.
#24 is Val Venis. Austin tosses Billy Gunn out. #25 is X-Pac, who is apparently, the lightest Royal Rumble participant, EVER. He's also the European Champion, which is worth jack shit. Cole tells us that Val Venis could do a lot with $100,000. I'm sure he's the only one. #26 is Mark Henry. Cole tells us that Mark can do a lot with $100,000 for the ladies. Lawler tells us, "Sammie was a man!" Vince replies, "well, uh, that was a mistake..." Yeah, no shit. #27 is Jeff Jarrett. I'm hoping Cole tells us that Jeff can do a lot with $100,000 for Debra. Jeff has no real direction but winds up stomping on Austin with the Big Valbowski. You know what...that was a great nickname for the time. Problem is, no long term value in it due to the fact that it's topical. Bronco Buster for the Boss Man in the corner. #28 is D-Lo Brown, led to the ring by PMS, who is Jacqueline and Terri Runnels. Terri blames D-Lo for losing her baby, which ended up not being true. Lawler tells us that THEY can spend the $100,000. Austin tosses out Test. The Boss Man tosses out X-Pac. #29 is...Triple H tosses out Jeff Jarrett...which is a shame because here comes Owen Hart with his AWESOME "Enough is Enough" t-shirt. Owen goes right for Austin as the announcers fail to mention their history. Austin rolls out of the ring to drink water and throws the rest in Vince's face.
#30 is the first woman to join the Royal Ruble, and it's Chyna. Crowd likes that. Chyna attacks Mark Henry for lying about fucking her. So she tosses him out. And she turns around right into a clothesline from Austin, who sends her to the outside. Pedigree to Austin from Hunter...but Val Venis saved Austin for no discernable reas...OH, now he attacks Austin because he wants the money. Shit, that made sense. Triple H tosses Val. Triple H eats a Stunner and is clotheslined out.
Final four: Steve Austin, Big Boss Man, D-Lo Brown, and Owen Hart. Well, final five...Vince is still in this thing. Owen drills Austin with an enziguri. He charges at Austin in the corner but Austin backdrops him out. D-Lo hits the Lo-Down on Austin, but the Boss Man tosses him, and then eats a Stunner. Austin clotheslines the Boss Man out! The crowd loves that as Vince is about to piss himself...or cry. It's just like the 1995 Royal Rumble all over again! Austin dives for Vince but Vince hits Austin in the head. Austin no-sells and beats up Vince. Austin smacks Vince in the head with a chair on the outside. Vince hits a low blow on Austin in the ring. But it's for nothing as Vince eats a Stunner. Austin drags this on even longer and hits an elbow from the middle turnbuckle. HERE COMES THE ROCK! The Rock distracts, so Austin, like an idiot, wants the Rock in the ring. Rock gets up on the apron and tangles with Austin, and Vince sneaks up from behind and dumps Austin to win the 1999 Royal Rumble. I cannot express enough how shitty this Rumble is, but we'll go with 1/2*.
Friday, January 21, 2011
1998 Royal Rumble
You know why the Rumble used to be so great? It turned upper mid-carders into main eventers; gave them that extra push to break through the glass ceiling. This was probably the first real Rumble to do so. The story going in is that Stone Cold beat the hell out of every Rumble participant leading up to the match. Austin, fresh off his feud with the Rock, literally put a bullseye on his chest. He was delivering Stunners left and right. Austin was in his peak and could literally do no wrong. Mike Tyson is in the box office, rooting for Stone Cold.
#1 is motherfuckin' Cactus Jack. He doesn't come alone as he brings a trash can with him. #2 is the perfect counterpoint for Cactus Jack...that crazy son of a bitch, Chainsaw Charlie, aka Terry Funk. They were tag team partners as of late, but their feud of Terry Funk and Mick Foley goes years back. Funk brings the chainsaw in the ring so FOley tosses some chairs in. Cactus knocks the chainsaw out of his hand with a chair and then we just get two guys beating the hell out of each other with steel chairs. Foley stalks Funk with a chair, so Funk pauses, and then BRACES for it. Of course, Funk gets NAILED with it. In fact, he liked it so much, he wants another. Cactus gives Funk the chair and asks HIM for a chair shot. Funk delivers a pair of chair shots and tries to eliminate Cactus. Great way to get the crowd into it. They stop fighting as #3, Tom Brandi, comes out. Brandi gets nothing but tossed over the top rope.
Funk tries to piledrive Cactus on a chair to no avail. Cactus sets chairs up next to each other and suplexes Funk through them. Cactus can't seem to get Funk out as the Rock comes out at #4. The Rock is the Intercontinental Champion at this point and CLEARLY poised for success. Cactus and Funk are both down due to beating the shit out of each other, so the Rock just picks away at them. Cactus and Funk mount a come back, and Cactus nails Rock with a trash can. They put the trash can over the Rock's head and tee off on him. CHAIR SHOT TO THE ROCK! Rock falls through the ropes. Funk turns on Foley with a low blow, but really, is that turning on him to begin with? #5 is Mosh, so Funk throws a chair at him on his way to the ring. Mosh attacks Funk as Cactus and Rock pre-cursor their fantastic feud. Funk barely hits a moonsault on Mosh. #6 is heel Phinneus Godwinn, complete with heel farmer music. I actually like their heel theme music, kind of psychotic. Godwinn and the Rock double team Mosh, but Funk decides to get in there and lay the chops on the Rock. #7 is 8-Ball of the DOA, as he goes right after the Rock. DOA, the Nation of Domination, and Los Boriquas had kind of a gang war thing. Cactus, meanwhile, is dumped by Terry Funk. Lawler claims that his sources tell him that someone in the back has gotten to Stone Cold, and he may not make it to the Rumble.
#8 is Blackjack Bradshaw, which is JBL with jet black hair and a bad ass mustache. Funk tries to eliminate the Rock but the Rock hangs tough. Godwinn joins the Rock in eliminating Funk but Funk just keeps twining his legs around the ropes, rather athletically. Or desperately. Whichever. #9 is the Blackheart, Owen Hart. Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette attack from behind. Jarrett is the NWA Heavyweight Champion at this point, in some strange Aztec Warrior gear. The participants hammer away at each other. #10 is Steve Blackman. Blackman was way ahead of his time; he'd be super over today. He tries to eliminate Funk, but Funk just keeps fucking hanging on! The Rock tries again but Funk grapevines his legs around teh ropes. #11 is D-Lo Brown, coming in as 2/5 of the Nation. D-Lo wasn't much of anything at this point, but a lackey for the Nation. The Rock and D-Lo come to blows to a pop from the crowd, but then they separate. The monstrous Kurrgan is #12, of the Truth Commission. At least, I think there was a Truth Commission at this point. Maybe not. Definitely not an Oddity yet, though. Kurrgan was a big guy, but in retrospect, there were much bigger, more intimidating guys to come through. Kurrgan tosses Mosh. Blackman tries a martial arts kick and it just whiffs, so Kurrgan kicks his ass and speaks a foreign language.
The timer seems to be fast today, as Marc Mero is your #13, accompanied to the ring by Sable. I'm fairly certain Mero was still face here but was showing tendencies of being a heel. Kurrgan eliminates Steve Blackman, and comes face to face with Bradshaw. The Rock tees off on D-Lo Brown in the corner, then apologies, and then continues kicking him. Love it. #14 is Ken Shamrock, who lost an Intercontinental Championship match with the Rock earlier in the night. Shamrock manages to take down Kurrgan, so everyone in the ring swarms to Kurrgan and eliminates him. Yep, Lawler confirms that the Truth Commission was still around. Shamrock was pretty over at this point, and he could have been a main eventer, had he stuck around with the company longer. The Rock knocks down Funk and drops a People's Elbow before it was ever flashy and a spectacle. #15 is Headbangerer Trasher. D-Lo is choking the Rock in the corner now, and talking smack at the same time. Godwinn and Bradshaw team up to stop Trasher, and are successful. The crowd loves Sable and chants her name at her. ou know, in case she ever forgets. Mero tries to show off the shuffling of his feet but gets clocked by 8-Ball. "What's Tyson, about 5'11" If I hit him with one of my uppercuts, he's been around 6'5"." Love you, Lawler.
#16 is MANKIND~!!! The son of a bitch is back!!! He goes right for Terry Funk, and manage to knock him out. Shamrock goes to town on the Rock. Not much else happens. #17, the Artist Formerly Known as Goldust comes down in red face paint, blue hair, an silver outfit, and a g-string over it. Mankind beats the hell out of him for it. Unfortunately for Foley, Goldust manages to eliminate Mankind. #18 is Double J, Jeff Jarrett, led to the ring by James E. Cornette. We still don't know Owen Hart's status...except that he's on his way to the ring! Hedives in and goes to town on Jarrett. Mero keeps following them, swirling his fist like an idiot. Crowd still pops big for Owen. It saddens me that Owen never got a face main event run, because man, he was over. I know he was a great heel and all, but I loved cheering for Owen. Jarrett tries tossing Owen, but Owen skins the cat to a huge pop and tosses Jarrett mid-strut. #19 is the Honky Tonk Man as Triple H on crutches, and Chyna, come to the ring. Meanwhile, the Rock tosses Ken Shamrock out of the ring. Owen flicks off Triple H and basically tells him to fuck off. Owen tries to eliminate Goldust, so Chyna goes to nail him with a crutch. Owen grabs it, so Triple H nails Owen with the other crutch, as Owen falls to the outside. A couple more shots and Triple H tells Owen to suck it. Sadly, Owen never really got his comeuppance on Hunter, but then in April, they reversed rolls anyway when Owen joined the Nation.
You see Owen run to the back and he slips and falls when he gets there. #20 is Ahmed Johnson. Phinneus Godwinn decides to go toe-to-toe with Ahmed, but it doesn't work out for him. Ahmed hammers at D-Lo, still hating on the Nation. A double feature shows that Rock hit Shamrock with a low blow to eliminate him. We're definitely down to minute intervals as #21 comes out. It's big Mark Henry, the newest member of the Nation. Henry was about a year and a half into his WWE career but didn't do anything until he joined the Nation. Henry goes right for Ahmed. Mero is just dancing around with no idea what to do. Mark Henry tosses powder in Ahmed's eyes, but can't eliminate him. #22 is...well, nobody. No music hits. JR thinks it might have been Austin, as Lawler guarantees it WAS Austin's turn. Mark Henry finally tosses Ahmed out. He also backdrops Phinneus to the outside, who takes out a referee. Ahmed is a poor sport and beats out Phinneus on the outside. The Nation implodes again as D-Lo attacks Henry. #23 is another Nation representative in Kama Mustafa, who shoves Ahmed on the way out. Ahmed pussies out and walks away. Nothing happens. #24 is...Austin's music hits! The entire ring STOPS and faces the entrance way...while Mero dances around. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes from behind! He beats the hell out of Mero and sends him out!
Everyone focues on Austin but Austin breaks free and tosses 8-Ball! Crowd, of course, pops big for Austin. Austin chokes D-Lo out with his jacket, as we see Tyson cheer on Austin. #25 is Henry Godwinn with awesome heel music. He goes after Austin, being on the receiving end of an Austin beat down recently. #22 turned out to be Skull, who didn't make it due to injury. #26 is, well Savio Vega, but all the Los Boriquas come in and attack Stone Cold! Austin ducks a spinning heel kick from Savio, who hits one of his teammates. The rest fall down and to the outside. Henry chokes Austin out in the corner, but TRASHER TO THE RESCUE! He holds Henry for Austin, so Austin walks away and stomps Goldust in the testicles. #27 is the last Nation member, its leader Faarooq. NOW, all 5 Nation members are in the ring, but they never put it together to work together...but Faarooq attacks the Rock! Then D-Lo! Then Kama! Austin fell through the ropes, and the Rock follows to toss Austin brutally into the steel steps. #28 is DUDE LOVE! "Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple header!" He walks in and shoves Bradshaw over the top. Austin pulls Goldust outside the ring and throws Goldust into the steel steps. The Rock hits another people's elbow, this time on D-Lo Brown. Austin back in the ring and beats the hell out of the Rock!
#29 is Chainz of the DOA, as the ring is pretty damn full. Chainz goes in and tries to toss out Mark Henry immediately to no avail. They claim the Rock has been in there over 50 minutes, which is shenanigans. One man left as #30 is Vader, who gets a respectable pop from the crowd. Vader and Goldust, who has lost all his face paint, go at it. Vader stops to toss the Honky Tonk Man out. Austin backdrops Trasher out of the ring. Austin follows up by tossing Kama Mustafa. Austin stomps a mudhole and walks it dry in Henry Godwinn but Savio Vega attacks. He tries a piledriver but Austin says NUH UH! Austin ducks a spinning heel kick and throws Savio Vega out. Goldust clotheslines Vader out! Dude Love ducks a charge from Henry Godwinn and Godwinn sails out! Chainz tosses GOldust out! I don't understand why they feel the need to wait until the end to toss everyone out. Austin backdrops Chainz out! Awesome moment as Faarooq tries to toss Mark Henry, but he stays on the apron. We notice it's the Nation vs. Dude and Austin...so Faarooq punches Henry again and he falls to the floor.
Final four: Stone Cold, Dude Love, Faarooq, and the Rock. I have no idea when D-Lo went out. Austin and Dude take care of the Nation members, so Austin responds by attacking Dude! Mandible claw! Low blow! Faarooq clotheslines Dude out! Two heels on one face yet again. Faarooq tries to get Austin out. Rock stands up, says "fuck this" and grabs a breather. Then eh walks up from behind and eliminates Faarooq! ROCK AND AUSTIN! ROCK AND AUSTIN! ROCK AND AUSTIN! Austin tosses Rock out, but the Rock hangs on! Austin catches him with a STONE COLD STUNNER! He tosses the Rock! "STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!" Um, pretty bland Rumble. Like Hogan, in the early 90's, nothing really went on until Austin came out. They waited until the end to get all the dead weight out of the ring, so they lacked a lot of real, memorable eliminations. A couple fun spots, but overall, not one of their better Rumbles. **1/2
#1 is motherfuckin' Cactus Jack. He doesn't come alone as he brings a trash can with him. #2 is the perfect counterpoint for Cactus Jack...that crazy son of a bitch, Chainsaw Charlie, aka Terry Funk. They were tag team partners as of late, but their feud of Terry Funk and Mick Foley goes years back. Funk brings the chainsaw in the ring so FOley tosses some chairs in. Cactus knocks the chainsaw out of his hand with a chair and then we just get two guys beating the hell out of each other with steel chairs. Foley stalks Funk with a chair, so Funk pauses, and then BRACES for it. Of course, Funk gets NAILED with it. In fact, he liked it so much, he wants another. Cactus gives Funk the chair and asks HIM for a chair shot. Funk delivers a pair of chair shots and tries to eliminate Cactus. Great way to get the crowd into it. They stop fighting as #3, Tom Brandi, comes out. Brandi gets nothing but tossed over the top rope.
Funk tries to piledrive Cactus on a chair to no avail. Cactus sets chairs up next to each other and suplexes Funk through them. Cactus can't seem to get Funk out as the Rock comes out at #4. The Rock is the Intercontinental Champion at this point and CLEARLY poised for success. Cactus and Funk are both down due to beating the shit out of each other, so the Rock just picks away at them. Cactus and Funk mount a come back, and Cactus nails Rock with a trash can. They put the trash can over the Rock's head and tee off on him. CHAIR SHOT TO THE ROCK! Rock falls through the ropes. Funk turns on Foley with a low blow, but really, is that turning on him to begin with? #5 is Mosh, so Funk throws a chair at him on his way to the ring. Mosh attacks Funk as Cactus and Rock pre-cursor their fantastic feud. Funk barely hits a moonsault on Mosh. #6 is heel Phinneus Godwinn, complete with heel farmer music. I actually like their heel theme music, kind of psychotic. Godwinn and the Rock double team Mosh, but Funk decides to get in there and lay the chops on the Rock. #7 is 8-Ball of the DOA, as he goes right after the Rock. DOA, the Nation of Domination, and Los Boriquas had kind of a gang war thing. Cactus, meanwhile, is dumped by Terry Funk. Lawler claims that his sources tell him that someone in the back has gotten to Stone Cold, and he may not make it to the Rumble.
#8 is Blackjack Bradshaw, which is JBL with jet black hair and a bad ass mustache. Funk tries to eliminate the Rock but the Rock hangs tough. Godwinn joins the Rock in eliminating Funk but Funk just keeps twining his legs around the ropes, rather athletically. Or desperately. Whichever. #9 is the Blackheart, Owen Hart. Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette attack from behind. Jarrett is the NWA Heavyweight Champion at this point, in some strange Aztec Warrior gear. The participants hammer away at each other. #10 is Steve Blackman. Blackman was way ahead of his time; he'd be super over today. He tries to eliminate Funk, but Funk just keeps fucking hanging on! The Rock tries again but Funk grapevines his legs around teh ropes. #11 is D-Lo Brown, coming in as 2/5 of the Nation. D-Lo wasn't much of anything at this point, but a lackey for the Nation. The Rock and D-Lo come to blows to a pop from the crowd, but then they separate. The monstrous Kurrgan is #12, of the Truth Commission. At least, I think there was a Truth Commission at this point. Maybe not. Definitely not an Oddity yet, though. Kurrgan was a big guy, but in retrospect, there were much bigger, more intimidating guys to come through. Kurrgan tosses Mosh. Blackman tries a martial arts kick and it just whiffs, so Kurrgan kicks his ass and speaks a foreign language.
The timer seems to be fast today, as Marc Mero is your #13, accompanied to the ring by Sable. I'm fairly certain Mero was still face here but was showing tendencies of being a heel. Kurrgan eliminates Steve Blackman, and comes face to face with Bradshaw. The Rock tees off on D-Lo Brown in the corner, then apologies, and then continues kicking him. Love it. #14 is Ken Shamrock, who lost an Intercontinental Championship match with the Rock earlier in the night. Shamrock manages to take down Kurrgan, so everyone in the ring swarms to Kurrgan and eliminates him. Yep, Lawler confirms that the Truth Commission was still around. Shamrock was pretty over at this point, and he could have been a main eventer, had he stuck around with the company longer. The Rock knocks down Funk and drops a People's Elbow before it was ever flashy and a spectacle. #15 is Headbangerer Trasher. D-Lo is choking the Rock in the corner now, and talking smack at the same time. Godwinn and Bradshaw team up to stop Trasher, and are successful. The crowd loves Sable and chants her name at her. ou know, in case she ever forgets. Mero tries to show off the shuffling of his feet but gets clocked by 8-Ball. "What's Tyson, about 5'11" If I hit him with one of my uppercuts, he's been around 6'5"." Love you, Lawler.
#16 is MANKIND~!!! The son of a bitch is back!!! He goes right for Terry Funk, and manage to knock him out. Shamrock goes to town on the Rock. Not much else happens. #17, the Artist Formerly Known as Goldust comes down in red face paint, blue hair, an silver outfit, and a g-string over it. Mankind beats the hell out of him for it. Unfortunately for Foley, Goldust manages to eliminate Mankind. #18 is Double J, Jeff Jarrett, led to the ring by James E. Cornette. We still don't know Owen Hart's status...except that he's on his way to the ring! Hedives in and goes to town on Jarrett. Mero keeps following them, swirling his fist like an idiot. Crowd still pops big for Owen. It saddens me that Owen never got a face main event run, because man, he was over. I know he was a great heel and all, but I loved cheering for Owen. Jarrett tries tossing Owen, but Owen skins the cat to a huge pop and tosses Jarrett mid-strut. #19 is the Honky Tonk Man as Triple H on crutches, and Chyna, come to the ring. Meanwhile, the Rock tosses Ken Shamrock out of the ring. Owen flicks off Triple H and basically tells him to fuck off. Owen tries to eliminate Goldust, so Chyna goes to nail him with a crutch. Owen grabs it, so Triple H nails Owen with the other crutch, as Owen falls to the outside. A couple more shots and Triple H tells Owen to suck it. Sadly, Owen never really got his comeuppance on Hunter, but then in April, they reversed rolls anyway when Owen joined the Nation.
You see Owen run to the back and he slips and falls when he gets there. #20 is Ahmed Johnson. Phinneus Godwinn decides to go toe-to-toe with Ahmed, but it doesn't work out for him. Ahmed hammers at D-Lo, still hating on the Nation. A double feature shows that Rock hit Shamrock with a low blow to eliminate him. We're definitely down to minute intervals as #21 comes out. It's big Mark Henry, the newest member of the Nation. Henry was about a year and a half into his WWE career but didn't do anything until he joined the Nation. Henry goes right for Ahmed. Mero is just dancing around with no idea what to do. Mark Henry tosses powder in Ahmed's eyes, but can't eliminate him. #22 is...well, nobody. No music hits. JR thinks it might have been Austin, as Lawler guarantees it WAS Austin's turn. Mark Henry finally tosses Ahmed out. He also backdrops Phinneus to the outside, who takes out a referee. Ahmed is a poor sport and beats out Phinneus on the outside. The Nation implodes again as D-Lo attacks Henry. #23 is another Nation representative in Kama Mustafa, who shoves Ahmed on the way out. Ahmed pussies out and walks away. Nothing happens. #24 is...Austin's music hits! The entire ring STOPS and faces the entrance way...while Mero dances around. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes from behind! He beats the hell out of Mero and sends him out!
Everyone focues on Austin but Austin breaks free and tosses 8-Ball! Crowd, of course, pops big for Austin. Austin chokes D-Lo out with his jacket, as we see Tyson cheer on Austin. #25 is Henry Godwinn with awesome heel music. He goes after Austin, being on the receiving end of an Austin beat down recently. #22 turned out to be Skull, who didn't make it due to injury. #26 is, well Savio Vega, but all the Los Boriquas come in and attack Stone Cold! Austin ducks a spinning heel kick from Savio, who hits one of his teammates. The rest fall down and to the outside. Henry chokes Austin out in the corner, but TRASHER TO THE RESCUE! He holds Henry for Austin, so Austin walks away and stomps Goldust in the testicles. #27 is the last Nation member, its leader Faarooq. NOW, all 5 Nation members are in the ring, but they never put it together to work together...but Faarooq attacks the Rock! Then D-Lo! Then Kama! Austin fell through the ropes, and the Rock follows to toss Austin brutally into the steel steps. #28 is DUDE LOVE! "Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple header!" He walks in and shoves Bradshaw over the top. Austin pulls Goldust outside the ring and throws Goldust into the steel steps. The Rock hits another people's elbow, this time on D-Lo Brown. Austin back in the ring and beats the hell out of the Rock!
#29 is Chainz of the DOA, as the ring is pretty damn full. Chainz goes in and tries to toss out Mark Henry immediately to no avail. They claim the Rock has been in there over 50 minutes, which is shenanigans. One man left as #30 is Vader, who gets a respectable pop from the crowd. Vader and Goldust, who has lost all his face paint, go at it. Vader stops to toss the Honky Tonk Man out. Austin backdrops Trasher out of the ring. Austin follows up by tossing Kama Mustafa. Austin stomps a mudhole and walks it dry in Henry Godwinn but Savio Vega attacks. He tries a piledriver but Austin says NUH UH! Austin ducks a spinning heel kick and throws Savio Vega out. Goldust clotheslines Vader out! Dude Love ducks a charge from Henry Godwinn and Godwinn sails out! Chainz tosses GOldust out! I don't understand why they feel the need to wait until the end to toss everyone out. Austin backdrops Chainz out! Awesome moment as Faarooq tries to toss Mark Henry, but he stays on the apron. We notice it's the Nation vs. Dude and Austin...so Faarooq punches Henry again and he falls to the floor.
Final four: Stone Cold, Dude Love, Faarooq, and the Rock. I have no idea when D-Lo went out. Austin and Dude take care of the Nation members, so Austin responds by attacking Dude! Mandible claw! Low blow! Faarooq clotheslines Dude out! Two heels on one face yet again. Faarooq tries to get Austin out. Rock stands up, says "fuck this" and grabs a breather. Then eh walks up from behind and eliminates Faarooq! ROCK AND AUSTIN! ROCK AND AUSTIN! ROCK AND AUSTIN! Austin tosses Rock out, but the Rock hangs on! Austin catches him with a STONE COLD STUNNER! He tosses the Rock! "STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!" Um, pretty bland Rumble. Like Hogan, in the early 90's, nothing really went on until Austin came out. They waited until the end to get all the dead weight out of the ring, so they lacked a lot of real, memorable eliminations. A couple fun spots, but overall, not one of their better Rumbles. **1/2
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
1997 Royal Rumble
On commentary is Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry the King Lawler. Big production this year as we get fireworks to kick off the Rumble. #1 is Crush, of the Nation of Domination. No longer does he don the purple and silver, he currently appears as if he just broke out of prison. #2 is Ahmed Johnson, who was in a deep-seated feud with the Nation at this point (before he inexplicably joined them). 90 second intervals this year. Ahmed dives in and Crush works away at Ahmed. Crush was never the best wrestler but he had a great aura about him. The two men just brawl, really selling the hatred for each other. No wrestling moves, just beating the shit out of each other. The pace slows down as Crush tries to eliminate Ahmed. #3 (with no countdown) is "Razor Ramon." This is the fake Razor Ramon, as Scott Hall and Kevin Nash were WCW employees at this point. The crowd does NOT like fake Razor, and Ahmed tosses him to their approval. The fake Razor, Rick Bognar, had his mannerisms down pat. Ahmed stops and jumps over the top rope because Faarooq was up the aisle. Ahmed chases Faarooq to the back and #4 is Phinneus Godwinn. Phinneus would later go on to be Mideon and the infamous Naked Mideon.
We still have clock problems as the glass shatters, and #5 is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Much more bad ass the the Ringmaster, Austin is fresh off a GREAT match at Survivor Series '96 with Bret Hart. He is also the 1996 King of the Ring. He didn't win but he sure looked like a star. Phinneus attacks Austin right away. Crush attacks Phinneus and is accidentally nailed by Austin. Phinneus tosses Crush, but receives a Stunner, and is tossed by Austin. #6 is Bart Gunn. Bart gets a few shots in on Austin and his an awkward fame-asser. Austin is having none of that though, and tosses Bart Gunn. Austin stops to do push-ups. Classic moments as Austin sits on the turnbuckle and looks at his watch that isn't there, waiting for the next opponent. #7 is Austin's King of the Ring finals opponent, Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake throws the snake in the bag into the ring and works over Austin. Crowd still wants the DDT. Vince actually references these two facing off at the KOTR '96. JR sells this as a two match journey to the top of the mountain, which I really like the analogy of. Jake hits a short-arm clothesline and calls for a DDT, but is back dropped out by Stone Cold. #8 is on his way, and it's the British Bulldog. He plows through Stone Cold. Bulldog nails a Running Power Slam. Bulldog stays in and on the offense as Pierroth comes in at #9, right from the AAA. Vince had the brilliant (cough) idea of bringing Mexican wrestlers in to liven up the Rumble. It did nothing of the effect.
Stone Cold and the Bulldog team up to attack Pierroth, but then Bulldog turns on Austin, due to their mutual hatred of each other. #10 is the Sultan, who is Fatu from the previous years and Rikishi from the future. The Sultan and Pierroth square off as the Bulldog nearly takes out Austin but can't quite push him over. #11 is Mil Mascaras. There's nothing wrong with bringing in popular superstars, but the problem is, that nobody in Texas has a clue who these guys are. There's also no indicator telling the crowd who they are. There's no telling if the experiment would have worked since it was marketed horribly. Timer seems shorter than usual with #12 starting up, and it's Hunter Hearst Helmsley in his second Royal Rumble. He goes right after the Bulldog as Pierroth tries to eliminate Stone Cold. The Bulldog hits the Sultan with a clothesline, who does the 360 degree sell before being clotheslined out of the Royal Rumble. Austin tries to eliminate Hunter but Hunter hangs on. Austin retaliates by flicking him off an drilling him with an elbow.
#13 is Owen Hart, or as Vince puts it (speaking for Bret), "Bret's stinking, rotten brother." Owen and Austin got at it, with no love lost there. Owen and the Bulldog are Tag Team Champions at this point as Bulldog saves Owen from Austin. The Bulldog tries to eliminate Austin, but Owen sneaks up from behind and shoves the Bulldog out. Bulldog is NOT happy. "Owen hasn't told the truth since the King was a Prince," says Jim Ross. #14 is Goldust, who is a crowd favorite at this point. Three guys try to take out Goldust; why does it take THREE GUYS to eliminate GOLDUST?! Halfway mark hits as #15 is Cibernetico, who is only 20 years old. He goes after Mil Mascaras. Goldust and Helmsley battle, as they would meet at Wrestlemania 13 that year. #16 is Marc Mero. Cibernetico was tossed out by Mil Mascaras, who then dumps Pierroth as well. Mascaras goes THROUGH the ropes and up top, and dives onto Pierroth. He goes back into the ring but the referees tell him to leave. The crowd doesn't like that, and it is stupid, considering he went through the ropes. He should have been allowed to stay. Goldust eliminates Helmsley as Mero battles Goldust after. #17 is the Latin Lover. He hits a beautiful crescent kick on Owen. Goldust tries to toss Owen out, but Owen skins the cat. Vince even references Shawn doing that as Vince continues to impress me. Owen tosses out Goldust as Faarooq runs in at #18. Faarooq backdrops the Latin Lover out but gets his head taken off by Austin. Ahmed Johnson runs into the ring with a 2x4 and goes right after Faarooq to a huge pop from the crowd, and Faarooq gets his ass whooped right over the top rope.
In the ring, Stone Cold knocked Marc Mero and Owen Hart out at the same time. #19 is Savio Vega, who had a great, underrated feud with Steve Austin the year before. Savio beats down Savio and nails a spinning heel kick, but Austin is just too much and clotheslines Savio out. Crowd is really loving what Austin's doing at this point. Austin, beaten down and weary, on the ground...calls for the next entrant. #20 is the Roadie, aka Double J Jesse James....who is also known as the Road Dogg. "That guy is a promising young singer, I wish he's promise to stop singing." - Lawler. Road Dogg, pale as FUCK, gets a few shots on Austin and dances, before being eliminated by Stone Cold. Austin pretty much tells the crowd to fuck off, but they do like him. Austin catches his breath in the corner, sits back on the turnbuckle, and waits. #21 is Bret "the Hitman" Hart as Austin SHITS HIS PANTS. The look on Austin's face is BRILLIANT. Austin gets ready and calls Bret on as the crowd is pumped for this. Bret and Austin exchange blows, but Bret is the fresher man and gets Austin off his feet. They go back and forth with Bret coming up on top more often than not. Jerry Lawler is #22! He stands up from the commentators table, takes his jacket and headset off. "I've said it once and I'll say it again, it takes a King..." Lawler walks in as Bret has the Sharpshooter on Austin. Bret drops it, turns around, and punches Lawler out as soon as he gets in. "...TO KNOW A KING! I told you it takes a king to know a king!" "Do you know you were just in there, King?" - Vince. Lawler is flabbergasted, and has no idea what's going on. Lawler calls Bret a jerk.
#23 is Fake Diesel, better known as Isaac Yankeem DDS, better known as Kane. Not gonna lie, Kane made for an IMPRESSIVE looking Diesel. He could have easily carried that character had Kevin Nash never set it in stone. Bret and Diesel try to eliminate Austin but he fights his way out of the corner. Another entrant, as the clock must be down to 1 minute. #24 is Terry Funk, who is, in fact at this point...middle agred and crazy. Terry Funk and Stone Cold go at it, having fought on Saturday Night Shotgun the night before. #25 is ROCKY MAIVIA! Boy, did he look goofy as hell. He goes right after Stone Cold as if I some how warped to 2001 a bit early. Lawler still can't believe they're having a Royal Rumble without a king and suggests that he should go in there. #26 is Mankind, making his Royal Rumble debut. He rolls into the ring and goes right after the Funker. Funk vs. Mankind, and Bret vs. Austin are the high points. #27 is Flash Funk. Bret hits Austin with a piledriver as I cringe at the thought of a Hart family member piledriving Stone Cold. #28 is Vader. Terry Funk tries to take out Mankind but Mankind hangs on. Flash Funk goes right for Vader but Vader just beats the tar out of him. Austin attacks Vader next but eats Vader's massive arms and chest for his troubles. Lawler vows to enter the Royal Rumble next year.
#29 is Henry Godwinn, who attacks Vader and clotheslines him off his feet. Lawler still has no idea he was in the ring. #30 is the Undertaker as the lights go out in the ring. "That's the way they should have done the whole Rumble, haha!" - Lawler. All the participants are in now. 1997 Undertaker is so bad ass. Vader defeated the Undertaker earlier in the night and they pick up right where they left off. He goes after his other arch-nemesis in Mankind. Austin gets a Chokeslam. Vader gets a Chokeslam. Undertaker attacks "Diesel," who would turn out to be his half-brother later THAT YEAR. lol. ANYWAY. Flash Funk jumps into Vader's arms, who delivers a fallaway slam to Flash, who goes sailing to the outside. Seems like they're waiting for the signal to go home. Hey look, Rocky Maivia is still in there and tries to dump Bret. Nothing exciting goes on, despite the eliminations being over. The Undertaker grabs Henry Godwinn by the throat and chucks him to the outside. Rocky falls into the Mandible Claw as Mankind pushes him to the outside with it. Mankind delivers a Cactus Clothesline to Funk, but they both hang on Funk tries to suplex Mankind off the apron into the ring, but Mankind suplexes Funk to the outside instead. Mankind is tossed out by the Undertaker next, so Funk and Mankind brawl.
Final five (which is important): Vader, the Undertaker, Steve Austin, "Diesel" and Bret Hart. Bret Hart TOSSES Austin out. Unfortunately, no referee saw it. Austin sneaks in and dumps Vader and the Undertaker at the same time. Bret tosses "Diesel" out but Steve Austin sneaks in from behind and pushes Bret Hart out!! Austin managed to cheat the system to a good crowd reaction. You can tell that the crowd was really starting to get behind Austin as Bret is PISSED, kicking off the start of his slow-burn heel turn. Bret grabs Vince by the jacket and yells to him about doing something about this. More than solid Rumble that helped turn Austin into a star. It can also be attributed to starting Stone Cold's face turn and Bret Hart's heel turn. ***3/4
We still have clock problems as the glass shatters, and #5 is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Much more bad ass the the Ringmaster, Austin is fresh off a GREAT match at Survivor Series '96 with Bret Hart. He is also the 1996 King of the Ring. He didn't win but he sure looked like a star. Phinneus attacks Austin right away. Crush attacks Phinneus and is accidentally nailed by Austin. Phinneus tosses Crush, but receives a Stunner, and is tossed by Austin. #6 is Bart Gunn. Bart gets a few shots in on Austin and his an awkward fame-asser. Austin is having none of that though, and tosses Bart Gunn. Austin stops to do push-ups. Classic moments as Austin sits on the turnbuckle and looks at his watch that isn't there, waiting for the next opponent. #7 is Austin's King of the Ring finals opponent, Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake throws the snake in the bag into the ring and works over Austin. Crowd still wants the DDT. Vince actually references these two facing off at the KOTR '96. JR sells this as a two match journey to the top of the mountain, which I really like the analogy of. Jake hits a short-arm clothesline and calls for a DDT, but is back dropped out by Stone Cold. #8 is on his way, and it's the British Bulldog. He plows through Stone Cold. Bulldog nails a Running Power Slam. Bulldog stays in and on the offense as Pierroth comes in at #9, right from the AAA. Vince had the brilliant (cough) idea of bringing Mexican wrestlers in to liven up the Rumble. It did nothing of the effect.
Stone Cold and the Bulldog team up to attack Pierroth, but then Bulldog turns on Austin, due to their mutual hatred of each other. #10 is the Sultan, who is Fatu from the previous years and Rikishi from the future. The Sultan and Pierroth square off as the Bulldog nearly takes out Austin but can't quite push him over. #11 is Mil Mascaras. There's nothing wrong with bringing in popular superstars, but the problem is, that nobody in Texas has a clue who these guys are. There's also no indicator telling the crowd who they are. There's no telling if the experiment would have worked since it was marketed horribly. Timer seems shorter than usual with #12 starting up, and it's Hunter Hearst Helmsley in his second Royal Rumble. He goes right after the Bulldog as Pierroth tries to eliminate Stone Cold. The Bulldog hits the Sultan with a clothesline, who does the 360 degree sell before being clotheslined out of the Royal Rumble. Austin tries to eliminate Hunter but Hunter hangs on. Austin retaliates by flicking him off an drilling him with an elbow.
#13 is Owen Hart, or as Vince puts it (speaking for Bret), "Bret's stinking, rotten brother." Owen and Austin got at it, with no love lost there. Owen and the Bulldog are Tag Team Champions at this point as Bulldog saves Owen from Austin. The Bulldog tries to eliminate Austin, but Owen sneaks up from behind and shoves the Bulldog out. Bulldog is NOT happy. "Owen hasn't told the truth since the King was a Prince," says Jim Ross. #14 is Goldust, who is a crowd favorite at this point. Three guys try to take out Goldust; why does it take THREE GUYS to eliminate GOLDUST?! Halfway mark hits as #15 is Cibernetico, who is only 20 years old. He goes after Mil Mascaras. Goldust and Helmsley battle, as they would meet at Wrestlemania 13 that year. #16 is Marc Mero. Cibernetico was tossed out by Mil Mascaras, who then dumps Pierroth as well. Mascaras goes THROUGH the ropes and up top, and dives onto Pierroth. He goes back into the ring but the referees tell him to leave. The crowd doesn't like that, and it is stupid, considering he went through the ropes. He should have been allowed to stay. Goldust eliminates Helmsley as Mero battles Goldust after. #17 is the Latin Lover. He hits a beautiful crescent kick on Owen. Goldust tries to toss Owen out, but Owen skins the cat. Vince even references Shawn doing that as Vince continues to impress me. Owen tosses out Goldust as Faarooq runs in at #18. Faarooq backdrops the Latin Lover out but gets his head taken off by Austin. Ahmed Johnson runs into the ring with a 2x4 and goes right after Faarooq to a huge pop from the crowd, and Faarooq gets his ass whooped right over the top rope.
In the ring, Stone Cold knocked Marc Mero and Owen Hart out at the same time. #19 is Savio Vega, who had a great, underrated feud with Steve Austin the year before. Savio beats down Savio and nails a spinning heel kick, but Austin is just too much and clotheslines Savio out. Crowd is really loving what Austin's doing at this point. Austin, beaten down and weary, on the ground...calls for the next entrant. #20 is the Roadie, aka Double J Jesse James....who is also known as the Road Dogg. "That guy is a promising young singer, I wish he's promise to stop singing." - Lawler. Road Dogg, pale as FUCK, gets a few shots on Austin and dances, before being eliminated by Stone Cold. Austin pretty much tells the crowd to fuck off, but they do like him. Austin catches his breath in the corner, sits back on the turnbuckle, and waits. #21 is Bret "the Hitman" Hart as Austin SHITS HIS PANTS. The look on Austin's face is BRILLIANT. Austin gets ready and calls Bret on as the crowd is pumped for this. Bret and Austin exchange blows, but Bret is the fresher man and gets Austin off his feet. They go back and forth with Bret coming up on top more often than not. Jerry Lawler is #22! He stands up from the commentators table, takes his jacket and headset off. "I've said it once and I'll say it again, it takes a King..." Lawler walks in as Bret has the Sharpshooter on Austin. Bret drops it, turns around, and punches Lawler out as soon as he gets in. "...TO KNOW A KING! I told you it takes a king to know a king!" "Do you know you were just in there, King?" - Vince. Lawler is flabbergasted, and has no idea what's going on. Lawler calls Bret a jerk.
#23 is Fake Diesel, better known as Isaac Yankeem DDS, better known as Kane. Not gonna lie, Kane made for an IMPRESSIVE looking Diesel. He could have easily carried that character had Kevin Nash never set it in stone. Bret and Diesel try to eliminate Austin but he fights his way out of the corner. Another entrant, as the clock must be down to 1 minute. #24 is Terry Funk, who is, in fact at this point...middle agred and crazy. Terry Funk and Stone Cold go at it, having fought on Saturday Night Shotgun the night before. #25 is ROCKY MAIVIA! Boy, did he look goofy as hell. He goes right after Stone Cold as if I some how warped to 2001 a bit early. Lawler still can't believe they're having a Royal Rumble without a king and suggests that he should go in there. #26 is Mankind, making his Royal Rumble debut. He rolls into the ring and goes right after the Funker. Funk vs. Mankind, and Bret vs. Austin are the high points. #27 is Flash Funk. Bret hits Austin with a piledriver as I cringe at the thought of a Hart family member piledriving Stone Cold. #28 is Vader. Terry Funk tries to take out Mankind but Mankind hangs on. Flash Funk goes right for Vader but Vader just beats the tar out of him. Austin attacks Vader next but eats Vader's massive arms and chest for his troubles. Lawler vows to enter the Royal Rumble next year.
#29 is Henry Godwinn, who attacks Vader and clotheslines him off his feet. Lawler still has no idea he was in the ring. #30 is the Undertaker as the lights go out in the ring. "That's the way they should have done the whole Rumble, haha!" - Lawler. All the participants are in now. 1997 Undertaker is so bad ass. Vader defeated the Undertaker earlier in the night and they pick up right where they left off. He goes after his other arch-nemesis in Mankind. Austin gets a Chokeslam. Vader gets a Chokeslam. Undertaker attacks "Diesel," who would turn out to be his half-brother later THAT YEAR. lol. ANYWAY. Flash Funk jumps into Vader's arms, who delivers a fallaway slam to Flash, who goes sailing to the outside. Seems like they're waiting for the signal to go home. Hey look, Rocky Maivia is still in there and tries to dump Bret. Nothing exciting goes on, despite the eliminations being over. The Undertaker grabs Henry Godwinn by the throat and chucks him to the outside. Rocky falls into the Mandible Claw as Mankind pushes him to the outside with it. Mankind delivers a Cactus Clothesline to Funk, but they both hang on Funk tries to suplex Mankind off the apron into the ring, but Mankind suplexes Funk to the outside instead. Mankind is tossed out by the Undertaker next, so Funk and Mankind brawl.
Final five (which is important): Vader, the Undertaker, Steve Austin, "Diesel" and Bret Hart. Bret Hart TOSSES Austin out. Unfortunately, no referee saw it. Austin sneaks in and dumps Vader and the Undertaker at the same time. Bret tosses "Diesel" out but Steve Austin sneaks in from behind and pushes Bret Hart out!! Austin managed to cheat the system to a good crowd reaction. You can tell that the crowd was really starting to get behind Austin as Bret is PISSED, kicking off the start of his slow-burn heel turn. Bret grabs Vince by the jacket and yells to him about doing something about this. More than solid Rumble that helped turn Austin into a star. It can also be attributed to starting Stone Cold's face turn and Bret Hart's heel turn. ***3/4
1996 Royal Rumble
Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect are on commentary this year. #1 is Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and Duke Droese is #30 as they wrestled earlier in the night to determine those spots. Hunter comes out in his Rumble debut. #2 is Henry Godwinn, as these two had a memorable feud in their own right. Who can forget the Pig Pen Match? We're back to two minute intervals this year (thankfully). Back and forth action between the two as the crowd is hot for Godwinn. #3 is Bob Backlund, who looks more and more ridiculous every year. And by ridiculous, I mean clinically insane. Backlund attacks Godwinn who was trying to eliminate Hunter. Backlund has no qualms about attacking Triple H, as well. The three men jockey for positioning as #4 comes out, and it's Jerry "The King" Lawler! Big "Burger King" chant as Lawler grabs Godwinn's slop. Backlund and Hunter hold Godwinn as Lawler goes to slop Godwinn, but Godwinn escapes and grabs the slop bucket. The ring clears out through the ropes. Lawler and some of Backlund end up getting slopped on the outside as Godwinn takes control, but the hell are back on the offense. #5 is Bob Holly. Nothing of note happens as #6 is King Mabel. Sir Mo accompanies him to the ring. More nothing. #7 is the return of Jake "The Snake" Roberts as the crowd goes nuts for him. He unleashes the snake and the entire ring bolts to the outside. Lawler gets caught and has the snake thrown on him.
Mabel is caught in the ropes as Lawler has not returned to the ring. In fact, he's nowhere in the sight. The hype in the ring dies down as Dory Funk, Jr. is #8. Jake tries the DDT on Hunter, but just like every other Rumble, it fails. The crowd REALLY wants the DDT, though. Lawler is shown peaking his head out from under the ring. #9 is the massive (and I mean massive) Yokozuna. Yokozuna tosses Backlund out, as he is the first man eliminated. Yokozuna and Mabel battle it out as the crowd keeps chanting for the DDT. Mabel splashes down Godwinn, as we're going to need a spatula to get him off the mat. #10 is the 1-2-3 Kid, who, earlier in the night, cost Razor Ramon the Intercontinental Championship. He keeps looking behind him, and sure enough, Razor runs out after him. The refs get him out but Razor gets back in the ring, only to be stopped by Mabel. Jerry Brisco tells Razor to GTFO. #11 is Takao Omori, from New Japan Pro Wrestling. Jake knocks Yokozuna off his feet to a good pop. #12 is Savio Vega, finally free of the Kwang chains that bound him. He goes after big Mabel for whatever reason and hits a nice spinning heel kick. Yokozuna dumps Mabel! Now who the hell can take out Yokozuna? Omori tries to take out Jake the Snake, but Jake hangs on and Omori goes out.
Mr. Perfect hypes up #13, and it's VADER TIME! Poor Spark Plugg is Vader's target, but then Vader just backs off. Savio Vega eliminates Dory Funk from the apron and Vader pulls Savio inside. Sadly, Vader fails to make ANY kind of impact, which is a huge miss to put him over as a monster. #14 is...Doug Gilbert, from the USWA. Mr. Perfect points out how he used to tag with his late brother, Eddie Gilbert. Jake goes for the DDT and NAILS it on Savio Vega! Crowd loves it. He tries for one on Doug Gilbert but Vader hammers Jake so hard, he stumbles backwards and out of the ring. #15 is one of the Swat Team Members, making his debut. Hot damn, I forgot all about them. Even Vince doesn't know which one it is. I'm sorry, Squat Team. Wikipedia even fucking lists him as Squat Team #1. Vader picks up Doug Gilbert, nearly drops him, but manages to flop him to the outside. And Vader tosses out the Squat Team member. kthxbai. The other Squat Team member comes out as Perfect goes, "wait a minute, he just got eliminated!" Squat Team member 1 comes back to the ring with 2. Vader beats the hell out of both of them. Vader clotheslines the same one out as Yokozuna gets the legal man out.
#17 is Owen Hart. Yokozuna holds Savio Vega as Vader beats the tar out of him. Vader throws Yokozuna into Savio Vega in the corner, then Vader splashes Savio himself. Savio's done. Not eliminated, just...done. From life. The big men continue to kill Savio, even after he's dead. #18 is THE HEARTBREAK KID, SHAWN MICHAELS! Crowd pops for him, as he attacks...Savio Vega. Then the 1-2-3 Kid. Then Triple H. Vader finally puts Savio Vega out of his misery and throws him out. Vader and Yokozuna start slapping each other now and THE MASK IS OFF. Shawn is beating everyone else up in the ring that isn't over 300 pounds. Shawn DUMPS BOTH YOKOZUNA AND VADER! Amazing. Crowd goes NUTS. Shawn gorilla press slams the 1-2-3 Kid to the outside, as that may be the only time you see Shawn gorilla press slam someone.
#19 is Hakushi, but Vader attacks Yoko on the outside and then comes back into beat up Shawn Michaels. Jerry Brisco and the refs are back out! Vader tosses Shawn to the outside, but it does not count. Vader also tosses Owen Hart out. Then Hunter. Then Holly. If only he could do this a few minutes earlier! Vader finally leaves as Hakushi finally enters the ring, but #20 is Tatanka. Shawn tosses Jim Cornette to the outside, because, why not? Owen dumps Hakushi as #21 is the return of Aldo Montoya. "He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body!" Shawn goes under the ring and pulls out Lawley from underneath. Tatanka dumps Aldo Montoya and Shawn finally dumps Jerry the King, as #22 is BIG DADDY COOL, DIESEL. He looks mean as hell. Diesel is able to capitalize on his momentum and tosses Tatanka. #23 is the Supreme Fighting Machine, Kama. Shawn beats up Bob Holly as Diesel and Kama battle it out. Owen's trying to get Hunter over the top. #24 is the Ringmaster, better known as Stone Cold Steve Austin. The nails a chop block on Bob Holly to start. Perfect gushes over Austin, saying, "he reminds me of me so much!" Holly tries to slingshot Austin over, but Austin sneaks in and knees Holly in the back, sending him to the outside. Vince puts over Bob Holly...he would continue to try and put Bob Holly over for another 13 years after this. Never worked.
#25 is Barry Horwitz, complete with Jewish theme music. "If Barry Horwitz goes to Wrestlemania and gets a shot at the Heavyweight Champion, I'M getting back in the ring!" Perfect is gold. Shawn tries to take out Owen but Owen steals a page out of Shawn's book and skins the cat. Hunter punches Diesel like a mosquito, so Diesel swats him away, and fucking LAUNCHES him to the outside. Hunter gets the longevity record for the night at 48 minutes and 1 second, which is still far from the record. #26 is Make a Difference Fatu, who always seems to get late numbers in these Rumbles. "If Horwitz wins this match, I quit, you'll never see me again!" #27 is Isaac Yankeem, DDS, aka Kane in his first of MANY Rumble appearances. Owen Hart eliminates Barry Horwitz as Perfect's job is safe for another day. Owen Hart delivers an enziguri to Shawn Michaels, which is relevant because the last time Owen did that to Shawn, he "concussed" Shawn. Shawn managed to get back up this time and eliminates Owen Hart. The Ringmaster runs down Shawn and steals his pose, so Diesel clocks him. #28 is Marty Jannetty, as he attacks Diesel, clearly jealous of Diesel's allegiance with Shawn Michaels. Fatu nearly gets Shawn out, but Shawn hangs on just barely...so Fatu walks away. Meh. Shawn and Jannetty go at it now, which the crowd likes. They knock each other both down. "They're rockin' now, aren't they?"
#29 is the British Bulldog, complete with short hair, and he goes right after Shawn Michaels, hoping to avoid a repeat of last year. Bulldog dumps Marty Jannetty. The Ringmaster is eliminated by Make a Difference Fatu, as I picture Make a Difference Fatu running down the Ringmaster with a limo. Isaac Yankeem clotheslines Fatu out. #30 is a foregone conclusion due to the match earlier in the night, and it's Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. Shawn and Bulldog spill to the outside (through the ropes) and they brawl, as Owen runs back out to attack Shawn. Shawn gets back into the ring and dropkicks Isaac Yankeem out. Diesel and Kama take out Duke. Final four: Kama, Diesel, Shawn Michaels, and the British Bulldog. The Bulldog tries to take out Shawn but Shawn hangs on for a second year in a row, slides in through the Bulldog's legs and clotheslines the Bulldog out! Kama tries to take Shawn out, but Diesel manages to take Kama out on the other side of the ring, so Shawn superkicks Diesel in the face and OUT OF THE RING. Shawn Michaels wins his second Royal Rumble in a row, in a much more impressive fashion than last year. I'm disappointed they didn't build it up more after Owen attacked him, but not by much. Diesel is pissed as hell but calms down and congratulates Shawn. Much better than last year with some fun spots thrown in. ***1/2
Mabel is caught in the ropes as Lawler has not returned to the ring. In fact, he's nowhere in the sight. The hype in the ring dies down as Dory Funk, Jr. is #8. Jake tries the DDT on Hunter, but just like every other Rumble, it fails. The crowd REALLY wants the DDT, though. Lawler is shown peaking his head out from under the ring. #9 is the massive (and I mean massive) Yokozuna. Yokozuna tosses Backlund out, as he is the first man eliminated. Yokozuna and Mabel battle it out as the crowd keeps chanting for the DDT. Mabel splashes down Godwinn, as we're going to need a spatula to get him off the mat. #10 is the 1-2-3 Kid, who, earlier in the night, cost Razor Ramon the Intercontinental Championship. He keeps looking behind him, and sure enough, Razor runs out after him. The refs get him out but Razor gets back in the ring, only to be stopped by Mabel. Jerry Brisco tells Razor to GTFO. #11 is Takao Omori, from New Japan Pro Wrestling. Jake knocks Yokozuna off his feet to a good pop. #12 is Savio Vega, finally free of the Kwang chains that bound him. He goes after big Mabel for whatever reason and hits a nice spinning heel kick. Yokozuna dumps Mabel! Now who the hell can take out Yokozuna? Omori tries to take out Jake the Snake, but Jake hangs on and Omori goes out.
Mr. Perfect hypes up #13, and it's VADER TIME! Poor Spark Plugg is Vader's target, but then Vader just backs off. Savio Vega eliminates Dory Funk from the apron and Vader pulls Savio inside. Sadly, Vader fails to make ANY kind of impact, which is a huge miss to put him over as a monster. #14 is...Doug Gilbert, from the USWA. Mr. Perfect points out how he used to tag with his late brother, Eddie Gilbert. Jake goes for the DDT and NAILS it on Savio Vega! Crowd loves it. He tries for one on Doug Gilbert but Vader hammers Jake so hard, he stumbles backwards and out of the ring. #15 is one of the Swat Team Members, making his debut. Hot damn, I forgot all about them. Even Vince doesn't know which one it is. I'm sorry, Squat Team. Wikipedia even fucking lists him as Squat Team #1. Vader picks up Doug Gilbert, nearly drops him, but manages to flop him to the outside. And Vader tosses out the Squat Team member. kthxbai. The other Squat Team member comes out as Perfect goes, "wait a minute, he just got eliminated!" Squat Team member 1 comes back to the ring with 2. Vader beats the hell out of both of them. Vader clotheslines the same one out as Yokozuna gets the legal man out.
#17 is Owen Hart. Yokozuna holds Savio Vega as Vader beats the tar out of him. Vader throws Yokozuna into Savio Vega in the corner, then Vader splashes Savio himself. Savio's done. Not eliminated, just...done. From life. The big men continue to kill Savio, even after he's dead. #18 is THE HEARTBREAK KID, SHAWN MICHAELS! Crowd pops for him, as he attacks...Savio Vega. Then the 1-2-3 Kid. Then Triple H. Vader finally puts Savio Vega out of his misery and throws him out. Vader and Yokozuna start slapping each other now and THE MASK IS OFF. Shawn is beating everyone else up in the ring that isn't over 300 pounds. Shawn DUMPS BOTH YOKOZUNA AND VADER! Amazing. Crowd goes NUTS. Shawn gorilla press slams the 1-2-3 Kid to the outside, as that may be the only time you see Shawn gorilla press slam someone.
#19 is Hakushi, but Vader attacks Yoko on the outside and then comes back into beat up Shawn Michaels. Jerry Brisco and the refs are back out! Vader tosses Shawn to the outside, but it does not count. Vader also tosses Owen Hart out. Then Hunter. Then Holly. If only he could do this a few minutes earlier! Vader finally leaves as Hakushi finally enters the ring, but #20 is Tatanka. Shawn tosses Jim Cornette to the outside, because, why not? Owen dumps Hakushi as #21 is the return of Aldo Montoya. "He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body!" Shawn goes under the ring and pulls out Lawley from underneath. Tatanka dumps Aldo Montoya and Shawn finally dumps Jerry the King, as #22 is BIG DADDY COOL, DIESEL. He looks mean as hell. Diesel is able to capitalize on his momentum and tosses Tatanka. #23 is the Supreme Fighting Machine, Kama. Shawn beats up Bob Holly as Diesel and Kama battle it out. Owen's trying to get Hunter over the top. #24 is the Ringmaster, better known as Stone Cold Steve Austin. The nails a chop block on Bob Holly to start. Perfect gushes over Austin, saying, "he reminds me of me so much!" Holly tries to slingshot Austin over, but Austin sneaks in and knees Holly in the back, sending him to the outside. Vince puts over Bob Holly...he would continue to try and put Bob Holly over for another 13 years after this. Never worked.
#25 is Barry Horwitz, complete with Jewish theme music. "If Barry Horwitz goes to Wrestlemania and gets a shot at the Heavyweight Champion, I'M getting back in the ring!" Perfect is gold. Shawn tries to take out Owen but Owen steals a page out of Shawn's book and skins the cat. Hunter punches Diesel like a mosquito, so Diesel swats him away, and fucking LAUNCHES him to the outside. Hunter gets the longevity record for the night at 48 minutes and 1 second, which is still far from the record. #26 is Make a Difference Fatu, who always seems to get late numbers in these Rumbles. "If Horwitz wins this match, I quit, you'll never see me again!" #27 is Isaac Yankeem, DDS, aka Kane in his first of MANY Rumble appearances. Owen Hart eliminates Barry Horwitz as Perfect's job is safe for another day. Owen Hart delivers an enziguri to Shawn Michaels, which is relevant because the last time Owen did that to Shawn, he "concussed" Shawn. Shawn managed to get back up this time and eliminates Owen Hart. The Ringmaster runs down Shawn and steals his pose, so Diesel clocks him. #28 is Marty Jannetty, as he attacks Diesel, clearly jealous of Diesel's allegiance with Shawn Michaels. Fatu nearly gets Shawn out, but Shawn hangs on just barely...so Fatu walks away. Meh. Shawn and Jannetty go at it now, which the crowd likes. They knock each other both down. "They're rockin' now, aren't they?"
#29 is the British Bulldog, complete with short hair, and he goes right after Shawn Michaels, hoping to avoid a repeat of last year. Bulldog dumps Marty Jannetty. The Ringmaster is eliminated by Make a Difference Fatu, as I picture Make a Difference Fatu running down the Ringmaster with a limo. Isaac Yankeem clotheslines Fatu out. #30 is a foregone conclusion due to the match earlier in the night, and it's Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. Shawn and Bulldog spill to the outside (through the ropes) and they brawl, as Owen runs back out to attack Shawn. Shawn gets back into the ring and dropkicks Isaac Yankeem out. Diesel and Kama take out Duke. Final four: Kama, Diesel, Shawn Michaels, and the British Bulldog. The Bulldog tries to take out Shawn but Shawn hangs on for a second year in a row, slides in through the Bulldog's legs and clotheslines the Bulldog out! Kama tries to take Shawn out, but Diesel manages to take Kama out on the other side of the ring, so Shawn superkicks Diesel in the face and OUT OF THE RING. Shawn Michaels wins his second Royal Rumble in a row, in a much more impressive fashion than last year. I'm disappointed they didn't build it up more after Owen attacked him, but not by much. Diesel is pissed as hell but calms down and congratulates Shawn. Much better than last year with some fun spots thrown in. ***1/2
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